Teach Girls How to Hit the Mark

Ask almost any girl to name her best friend and she’ll launch into a complex rating system describing her “best friend, best-best friend, best friend that she’s currently not speaking to, best friend at school, best friend on the bus, used-to-be best friend,” and so on. In other words, it’s complex!

For girls, friends are everything and we do them a great disservice by not telling them the truth about relationships. Myth-buster #1: You can't have 80 best friends! The problem is, they don't have the language to properly distinguish all the people they know, and therefore, the criteria they choose to allow someone into their inner circle. The result? Poor choices, hurt feelings, and drama.

I developed the Friendship Bull's-eye Discussion Tool to help girls grasp the issue. The discussion questions (on the back of the product) prompt girls to think critically about their relationships choices online and in person. The bull's-eye also suggest that people flow in and out of your life for various reasons, and that's not always a bad thing.

Moms, share your story with your daughters. If you're like me, you're lucky to have 1-3 people who've made it to your inner circle and remain there today. Let's take the pressure off girls to be "friends" with everyone.

Slugs

I grew up in the Pacific Northwest where the gardner's natural nemesis is the slug. As a kid, spring showers meant you had to dodge large brown blobs on the walk to school as the wetness brought them (and their trailing slime) out in droves. And, I'm embarrassed to admit that I killed my share of slugs by shaking salt on them which makes them magically melt away in front of your eyes. This is how we entertained ourselves before the invention of video games.

One of my favorite memories of my 83-year old father is when I called him one day from my home in Cleveland to chat and ask what he was doing. "Well!" he started out, "I've had quite the day so far!" This spiked my interest. What could he be up to on a rainy Seattle day?

"I've spent all morning tracking a slug trying to get across the back deck! Do you know how long and hard he has to work?"

Now before you go thinking this is a sad story - that once you hit your 80's, all you have to look forward to is watching the progression of a slug, think again. My father was dedicated to learning at least one new thing a day. Sometimes the lesson to learn was obvious, but some days he pushed himself to challenge an old perception - like the value of a slug.

What if you woke up everyday being curious? Instead of planning the whole day, what if your radar was set to answer, "What new thing am I to learn today?" You might just see slugs in a whole new way.

Additional ways to challenge your perception.

Did You Know This?

Here's part two of Counseling Myths and Facts:

Myth: If I admit I need counseling, I’ll be branded for life.

Asking for help when struggling is the smart thing to do, not a sign of personal weakness. Mental illness is treatable. Counseling helps people address their issues now so that they’re not branded for life.

Myth: The counselor will tell me I’m mentally ill and put me on medication.

Counselors are qualified to diagnose and treat mental illnesses, but not prescribe medication. In some situations, a counselor may refer a client to a psychiatrist to discuss drug treatment in addition to talk therapy. Whether or not a client takes medication is always a personal choice.

Myth: If I go once, they’ll make me keep coming back.

Counseling is completely voluntary. Clients can quit at any time. A counselor’s goal is to help a you feel better, not to keep you in counseling for life.

More tips for Building Resiliency, Recovering from Disappointment, and Managing Conflict.

Counseling Myths and Facts

When people find out I'm a therapist, a common question I receive is, "How can you stand to listening all day to people's problems? Isn't it depressing?" Quite the contrary! I spend little time talking about problems and most discussing solutions. Therefore, I really love my job because it's invigorating and inspirational to work with people at a point in their lives when they want to change for the better. Who wouldn't want to do that all day?

That's just one of the misunderstandings about counseling. In honor of Counseling Awareness Month, I'd like to bust a few more myths:

Myth: My problems aren’t big enough to need counseling.

People don’t have to be sick to want to feel better. If you're frustrated enough that a problem is having a negative effect on your life, that is reason enough for counseling. Sometimes people just need to vent. Just like physical sickness, it’s better to address things sooner rather than later.

Myth: Counselors give advice and tell you exactly what to do.

Friends give advice; counselors help people find their own solutions. That means that counselors will not tell you what to do but rather ask questions to help you discover what you can do for yourself.

Myth: Talking about my problems will only make them worse.

In order to solve something, it must be acknowledged. But counselors don’t dwell on problems. They focus on solutions. They’ll help you figure out what’s causing a situation and discover better ways to deal with it.

Brave Enough to Ask Your Kids?

Are you brave enough to ask for feedback? Most of us cringe at the thought of hearing others' opinions unless we know it will be positive. I'd guess most of us are far more fragile on the inside than we'd ever admit.

Yet as parents, we don't hesitate to give all sorts of unsolicited feedback to our children! Many times parents only speak up when kids are misbehaving. If they're acting well, parents don't really notice or they don't want to ruin a good thing.

What if the tables were turned and your kids were able to give you feedback? Even better, what if you asked for it? One of the most empowering moments I facilitate in family counseling is giving each family member a chance to offer feedback with an exercise called Stop, Start, Continue. Here's how it sounds:

"One thing I'd like you to stop is..."
"One thing I'd like you to start is..."
"One thing I'd like you to continue is..."

This frames feedback in a respectful way that's not overwhelming. When kids know they can have a voice in the family and be heard, their relationship with you flourishes.