On the Homefront

I've been thinking about something my pastor said to our congregation recently about service: "You have no business getting on a plane to serve in another country if you can't walk across the street." He was referring to those who are willing to do something "big" for those they may not know, but are unwilling to reach out, even in a small way, to someone you already know.

To extend this idea, do you ever treat people outside your family with more kindness and respect than in your own home? I've certainly fallen into this trap. We often save our "worst selves" for those closest to us. In that case, we have no business walking across the street to serve if we can't do the same within the four walls of our home.

Part of the temptation of doing good for others while ignoring the needs of loved ones is receiving public accolades. Doesn't it feel great to hear how kind and wonderful you are?! Seeking personal glorification is a sure sign your heart is in the wrong place. There are people in your life right now, within your circle of influence, who could benefit from your loving attention. It may be a conversation, opening a door, extending a compliment, completing a task, or making an anonymous donation. Look around. Who needs your kindness today?

Reality Check

I grew up in the great outdoors of the Pacific Northwest and returning to nature remains my favorite activity. A walk in the woods never fails to remind me of the core, consistent life lessons that nature provides. This summer, the Canadian Rockies served as my classroom.

Taking a break from biking to straddle the Great Divide between British Columbia and Alberta, Canada. Lesson: Closing the gap between any divide in life starts by taking one step.

 I didn't go it alone - my family joined six other families from all over the country on a "deluxe" camping trip designed by Backroads.  (Deluxe means they pitch your tent, cook for you, and give you a ride if you are too tired to hike or bike - the only way to camp!)

Lake Louise, Banff, CA National Park. Lesson: Humility.

The week's weather forecast called for sunshine and warm temperatures. What a surprise when we endured unrelenting downpours, thunderstorms, and hail! Isn't life like that? We expect one thing and many times get another. During one four hour hike into the mountains above Lake Louise, we started with sunshine and it quickly turned to hail. A reminder that change is constant. It doesn't matter what we want to happen. How well are we equipped to deal with the reality of what is in front of us? That's the difference between resiliency and being stuck.

View of Lake Louise after hiking two hours. Lesson: Change is constant.

Soaking wet after hiking through sun, rain, lightening, and hail. Lesson: Uncomfortable is not unbearable.

The biking portion included options of up to 40 miles per day, and the guides were clear: there will be hills! Just like life - not all of it is a flat, easy ride. But, by being willing to exert some energy, I proved to myself that I can navigate the ups and downs.

Taking a break after biking one very long hill! My reward was seeing FOUR black bears in the span of one hour. Lesson: Be patient.

Despite the weather challenges, there were plenty of blue skies, singing around campfires, and instant bonding between all the kids on the trip. Without any electronics (and no cell phone reception) the kids passed every evening by playing flash light tag and hide-and-seek. I was able to connect and hear the stories of my fellow travelers. Being in nature has a way of slowing everything down.

Scaling my first glacier! Later the same day, I went white water rafting on a river created by glacier run off. Lesson: Everything is connected.

It always amazes me how nature is one endless loop. One thing affects the other and all are perfectly created to work together. As an extension of nature, that means that every thought, intention, and action I have causes a ripple effect. Nothing we do can truly be in isolation.

Kids Today...

Finish the sentence, "Kids today are..." The list of complaints I hear often include, "rude, greedy, lazy, entitled." The reasons I hear for these complaints are mainly about society, technology, and media.
Each generation of adults seems to believe the current crop of kids are ill-behaved compared to when they were young.

This is how I finish the sentence: Kids today are the same. They want to know they are loved and valued. They seek your approval and desire to see your eyes light up when they enter the room. Kids want to know they are worthy because they exist and not based on performance. They will respond and adapt to the boundaries, values, direction, and lessons you give them. They need you to be consistent, fair, and firm. They want you to be a parent, and not a friend. Kids today are the same as they've always been.

Maybe we should change the sentence to, "Parents today are..."

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

There are many questions yet to be answered in the high school shooting that took place today in Chardon, OH (about 30 minutes from where I live). But one question I hear from clients often, no matter where the tragedy occurs is, "How can God let this happen?" I don't consider myself especially skilled to answer such a monumental and important question, but I can share with you what conclusions I've seen many people reach, sometimes years after their personal struggles.

1) When you're stripped of everything and reminded of the fragility of life, you appreciate it and the people you love more. If you thought of your loved ones today, shared loving words, or cherished the gift of life just a little bit more today, why didn't you do it yesterday? Suffering makes us aware of what we take for granted.

2) If you said a prayer today (or any other day of tragedy), when is the last time you prayed? Do you only seek help in crisis and expect miracles according to your agenda, or do you seek a two-way relationship with daily guidance and dependance in all decisions? Tragedy reminds us of our limited control.

3) If you struggle to answer why innocent people suffer, perhaps it will be more helpful to change the question to, what am I to do with this suffering? For every tragedy, lessons wait to be learned. How have you personally grown from your sufferings? The purpose of death is to teach us how to live.

Recommended Reading: When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner.

Big Bang Theory

No problem ever starts at BIG. Whether it's the economy crashing, relationship failing, self-esteem dropping, weight increasing, or getting fired - every problem starts small. Your job is to pay attention to the hints. If you don't the warning signs will get bigger until they have your attention. What do you need to start paying attention to today?

Staying Down

Cleveland temperatures warmed up yesterday, so I ventured outdoors for my morning run. As careful as I thought I was being, I hit black ice anyway and went down hard! Perhaps you've had one of those falls where just a second ago you were up, and just like that, you're down, without a clue what happened between here and there. My first instinct was to get back up again as quickly as possible. Perhaps I was nervous someone would see my embarrassing predicament? Well, of course, I went right back down again!

It occurred to me the second time around that sometimes in life, there's value in staying down. When we stumble, it's for a reason. Getting up too quickly and forging ahead without examining the cause for our fall will lead us right back down again, eventually.

Life is an "And"

Since the passing of Joe Paterno, much has been said about his life and legacy. Most of the discussion centers around whether the choices he made near the end of his career overshadow the reputation he had spent a lifetime building. In other words, was he good or bad? Without having ever met the man, I can say without a doubt that he was both. I say that because he's human, and just like the rest of us, Paterno's life was an "And."

Each and every one of us is capable of making both good and bad choices. Our hearts are capable are expressing both love and hate - sometimes for the same person. At any moment, each of us is only two or three decisions away from ruining our lives. Human beings are complex and vulnerable. It's unfair to categorize anyone as "either, or."

Perceiving someone as all bad takes away our compassion and hope for redemption or forgiveness. Assuming someone is all good will eventually lead to disappointment because people will fail us. Putting people on a pedestal only makes the fall greater and makes it harder for them to admit mistakes.

The purpose of death is to remind us how to live. Without judgment, what lessons can you take away from Paterno's death to apply to your own life? Do you have reasonable expectations of people? Do you need to reconcile a relationship? Are you living a truthful life? If you were to die today, would you be proud of the choices you're currently making? Let Paterno's legacy be that his conduct made us think about our own.

Be Glad that Life is Unfair

Have you ever noticed that those claiming life's unfair never make the same observation when unjustly receiving something? Shouldn't the same level of indignity be displayed at finding a coin on the sidewalk, hitting a green traffic light, speeding and not getting a ticket, all the times when you didn't catch a cold, sunshine on a day off, or having the door held open by a stranger? Why not protest then?

It seems the life-is-unfair approach to living comes with a limited perspective. In order to have it, you can only focus on times when you've been wronged. Add to that a deep sense of bitterness because everyone else is "lucky." In fact, research shows those who report the highest levels of life satisfaction have experienced the most adversity.

Life is indeed unfair and I, for one, am grateful. I have received more grace and mercy than I deserve - more than I could ever earn. How well does life treat you? It all depends on your perspective.

The Four Es of Gift Giving

If you've ever had the thrill of giving a gift to someone who was authentically touched by your efforts, you know what I mean when I say that giving the perfect gift is the best present you can receive. When I give a gift or offer an act of service, I use the Four Es as my guidelines:

1) Experience. A one-time experience creates life-long memories by engaging the recipient actively and emotionally. Experiences also extend pleasure due to planning, anticipation, and post-conversations. Many times experiences involve other people, adding to the excitement.

2) Educational. Learning something new that could improve a person's life and be shared with others is a gift without a shelf life. Who knows how many people will actually benefit? Talk about making an impact!

3) Economical. Gifts that are over-the-top elaborate and expensive come with strings attached that take away from the delight of giving and receiving. Givers who spend too much may feel stress later when the bill arrives or harbor expectations of how much the receiver should "enjoy" the gift. Instead, keep it affordable.

4) Environmental. Give gifts that will make a lasting imprint on the person, not the earth.

No matter what condition the economy is in, acts of service will always be a generous way to show how much you care. Everybody has a talent. Don't be shy about sharing yours with someone who can benefit.

If you need a gift ideas that meet the Four Es criteria, consider these from Susan Fee & Associates:

Booklets and E-booklets. Perfect size and price for business or personal gifts. Includes practical, easy-to-apply tips to reduce stress and increase skills.

E-Seminars. Wow! Talk about education at your doorstep (or rather, email in-box)! Imagine offering a 60-minute audio seminar and workbook filled with insights that can be repeatedly accessed.

Personal Coaching. Here's an experience that can't be duplicated. Do you know someone who would benefit from one-on-one face time with someone trained to offer appropriate levels of encouragement and challenge? Radical changes are the result. What an awesome way to positively influence someone's life.

DVDs. Arm your special person with tools and skills to manage life's challenges.

There you have it - gift-giving made easy! And, no calories. It doesn't get any better than that.

E-Motion

The word "emotion" stands for energy in motion. Our feelings produce energy that needs to "move" or be expressed in a healthy way. If not, that energy builds up and cannot be contained. It will release itself in your body in the form of chronic pain, headaches, stomach upset, sleep disruption, sore throats, and tight muscles. Or, it will explode in the form of damaging words.

You can try to suppress emotions by "ignoring" them through distractions: alcohol, drugs, medication, work, relationships, gambling, TV, or Internet addiction. It won't work. You're fighting against a natural law: energy moves.

If you need help expressing your feelings in a healthy way and don't feel safe doing so, please consider these two options. Journaling is a tool that every person can use. This is not a diary of your day, but a special type of writing to help explore the underlying emotions you're experiencing and deal with them.

Second, counseling with a trained professional (versus your friends and family) provides a safe, confidential environment to express feelings and learn how to manage them in a healthy way.

My Kid is an Honor Student!

I'm sure you've seen these bumper stickers placed by proud parents touting the various accomplishments of their children. I think they send a dangerous message which is, my kid is worth bragging about based on performance. When children feel they have to earn their parents' love, it creates an empty pit that no to-do list will ever fill. The effect is damaging to self-worth.

This is an issue I address in 21 Days to Better Parenting. Here's an excerpt on the topic of teaching self-worth: "Children are not more (or less) worthy of love based on behavior, but worthy merely because of their existence. Separating love from performance means your child knows that your love is consistent and not regulated by grades, popularity, capabilities, appearance, or anything else."

So, the next time you want to put a bumper sticker on your car, try this message:

Change Your Life in 21 Days

Twenty-one days from today, how do you want to be different? Whatever you want to change in your life requires that you recognize the habits you've developed that currently have you stuck. Research suggests that you can adopt any habit (good or bad) with 21 consecutive days of consistent behavior.

You are the sum of your habits, so by changing them you can change your life. Writer Charles Reade once said, “Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an action and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.”

The first step is becoming aware of your current choices. After all, a habit is something that occurs without thinking. How can you behave differently if you’re not sure what you’re doing right now? So, changing your habits takes more than good intentions. It takes exploration, thought, and action.

If you're ready to change your life, I want to help. I can't think of anything more exciting and fulfilling than working with people right at the moment of profound change. That has inspired my latest e-book series called 21 Days. Each installment will focus on a topic of change and includes a reflection, journaling, and action step to be completed each day for 21 Days.

The first two guides are complete and are based on the requests I have received. Please take a peek for yourself and read the sample pages: 21 Days to Becoming a Better Parent and 21 Days to Managing Your Stress.

Twenty-one days from today, how will you be different?

You Talkin' to Me?

Watching the the Bridgestone Invitational on TV yesterday, I had to laugh at the spectators who "direct" a player's ball once it's been hit. It usually sounds something like, "Get there!" Perhaps it's just the enthusiasm of the moment...or maybe we think we have more power over such things than we really do.

For instance, how many sports fans record games to watch later and don't want to hear a spoiler score? Logically, we know the outcome cannot be changed, but still we cheer on our team as if we can will them to a win, even when it's already over!

This could all be harmless fun, but if you believe you actually control anything other than your thoughts, actions, and choices, you might find life a tad stressful.

Back to School: Are Your Kids Ready?

If you've been shopping lately, you've seen the advertising reminders that kids will be headed back to school soon. While it may feel too early to think about school supplies, it's not too soon for parents to think about preparing their kids socially and emotionally for the transition into the new school year.

In my counseling practice, I see a lot of adolescents and young adults. Typically, it's the same three issues that trip kids up four-six weeks into the school year: stress management, conflict resolution, and relationships. With that in mind, here's how parents can start preparing students now for a successful school year.

Stress Management

Depending on what your kids have been doing all summer, it can be tough to transition into the demands of a school schedule, particularly if they have been sleeping until noon everyday. I see a lot of kids become overwhelmed trying to balancing homework, projects, and extracurricular activities.

One of the best things parents can do to help their kids manage stress is to manage it well yourself. Kids tend to reflect their parent's methods, so what are you showing them? Help kids recognize the signs of stress and prepare a handful of ways they can relax such as exercise, listening to music, reading, playing with a pet, talking with a trusted friend, journaling, or artwork. If you can teach them to express their emotions in a healthy way, it reduces blow ups and melt downs.

Above all, encourage kids to get moving on a daily basis. They don't have to be in an organized sport, but physical activity is the surest way to release stress. Help them find something they can do no matter the weather.

Conflict Resolution

Encouraging kids to address misunderstandings early, respectfully, and face-to-face (versus online) is a life-long skill. It takes practice to learn how to listen, express hurt feelings, show empathy, and find the right words to respond. Solving an issue for your kids may temporarily stop the pain, but only makes the next conflict more overwhelming.

Start by modeling healthy conflict resolution in your household. Slamming doors, texting wars, yelling, stomping off, and the silent treatment are all off-limits! College freshman who have yet to learn conflict resolution will most likely struggle with roommates. If that's the case, here's a resource to help them learn healthy ways to respond:

My Roommate is Driving Me Crazy!

If you have a daughter who runs into difficulty with a BFF who suddenly becomes an enemy, just remember, it's a learning experience! Teach her how to manage herself and the situation with these resources: Dealing with Mean Girls, Capable & Confident, or BFF! (Except When We're Not)
Relationships

The people we choose to surround ourselves with reflect how we feel about ourselves. Faced with the threat of being alone, many kids compromise their standards, assuming they are worthless without some sort of social connection. You cannot reinforce for your kids enough the fact that they are worthy simply because they exist! Teach them your standards for a healthy relationship (peer and dating). One good rule of a healthy relationship is monitoring how you feel about yourself after spending time with a person?

Provide a household that offers a supportive social network so that kids won't feel so alone that they make unhealthy choices. Let kids see you make new friends and honor close relationships so they have a good example. Don't force them to be "friends" with everyone as that is unrealistic. A better choice is to be respectful of all, but close to those who honor your values.

Help your kids learn skills in these three areas and everyone will have a much smoother school year!

26 Things to Do While Looking for A Job

The current economy has a lot of people out of work and searching for a job. If you're one of them, you may be feeling discouraged. Many of my clients, fellow professionals, and close friends are out of work too, so I have personally heard many stories. While it's true that you must take your job search seriously, I'm going to go against conventional wisdom and suggest that you do not spend eight hours a day doing it.

Here's why: it's depressing to sit in front of a computer all day scanning job sites and submitting online resumes or reading the same want ads. Some people get too hung up on perfecting their resume or cover letter, having spent up to a year out of work, they sit and lament over the smallest detail. After years of coaching and hearing success stories, I'm absolutely convinced that opportunities are revealed through connections to people, not job sites. Therefore, if you're out of work, you need to be spending the majority of your time around current contacts and meeting new people. They will lead you to your next job.

But, I find the more depressed job seekers get, the less social they become. And, when they're around people, they have nothing passionate or interesting to share. That's called poor marketing! Here's what I suggest to my clients: spend 1-3 hours every day seriously searching and applying for positions. Spend the rest of the day meeting with people, pursuing hobbies, learning something new, or helping others. When you're doing something you're passionate about, you meet other people who share the same interests. They meet you at your best and perceive you as a vibrant, employable person. You have something to discuss other than the fact that you're jobless, therefore you're not complaining, or appearing too desperate.

I'm not trying to minimize the need for income. I realize that it may sound frivolous (or impossible) to spend time "playing" when you have bills to pay. My contention is that you will find employment sooner with this approach than you will by spending all day isolated and feeling depressed. With that in mind, here's a list of 26 things to do while looking for a job:

1. Read or re-read a classic novel.
2. Join a book club.
3. Start a blog.
4. Train for a running or bike race.
5. Volunteer at an animal shelter.
6. Plant a garden from seed.
7. Coach a child's sport team.
8. Try a new cooking recipe.
9. Renew an old friendship.
10. Organize a neighborhood potluck.
11. Clean and organize a cluttered space in your house.
12. Hike a trail that you've never explored.
13. Open a dictionary and learn a new word. Use it throughout the day.
14. Host a movie night. Invite 3 friends and ask each to bring an additional guest that you don't know.
15. Read your local newspaper in its entirety (not just the job listings). Share/discuss something new you learned with a friend or neighbor.
16. Volunteer to work at a community festival.
17. Volunteer to work a water station at a running race.
18. Schedule an informational interview with someone working in a field of your interest.
19. Join and participate in a local church.
20. Donate blood to the Red Cross.
21. Research a native bird or flower. Take a walk in a local neighborhood or park and see how many times you can spot it.
22. Write a handwritten letter to a friend, thanking him or her for being part of your life.
23. Volunteer to hand out programs or usher at a local theater in exchange for seeing the show for free.
24. Learn a new language by renting an audio program from the library. Test your skills by watching a foreign film.
25. Join Toastmasters and improve your public speaking skills.
26. Download my free E-Seminar, How to Speak So Others Listen. Share a tip you learned with someone else.

Have more ideas? Feel free to add them by posting a comment. I'd love to hear your thoughts, experiences, and success stories with this approach, so do share.

When Life's Messy Take a Picture!

In honor of Mother's Day, I humbly share this essay for all the young moms out there who are trying to be "perfect." Don't bother! I wrote this eight years ago when my daughter was four.

It’s 12:30 A.M. My shirt is splattered in neon blue syrup, having dripped in a steady, sticky stream off my hair and face. I stand frozen, spoon in one hand, medicine bottle in the other, contemplating my next move. My assailant is sitting on the kitchen counter, defiantly staring back. Her four-year old hands are clamped over her mouth, her cheeks feverishly red. It was on my third attempt to coax medicine into my daughter’s mouth that she pulled the Bruce Lee move that sent it flying. She removes her hands long enough to scream, “I’m not taking any more medicine ever again!” And then it occurs to me: I should take a picture.

I had spent that afternoon working on Gabby’s scrapbook. Out of rolls of film, only a handful of pictures made the cut. She had to be smiling, clean, dressed in matching clothes, hair brushed. My husband even purchased a digital camera so we could immediately edit bad shots. Pictures of Gabby and me show us laughingly engaged in a way that will be flattering to me years from now. I am put-together, attentive, and never too tired to play. But standing there with Blueberry Blast Bubblegum cough syrup coagulating in my hair, I decide to end the charade. If I’m going to document her childhood, then I’m going to tell the truth.

As soon as my friends and family learned that I was pregnant, I received advice on the importance of keeping a scrapbook: “Start right away! Kids grow so fast, you think you’ll remember everything, but you won’t.” I looked at my own childhood albums, and I don’t recall most of the people or events. I do remember the time when I was five and refused to eat my dinner. I had to sit alone at the table for hours staring at a plateful of three-bean salad. No picture of that. No temper tantrums, fighting with my brother, or spitting up food. Instead, I’m twirling in tutus and blowing out candles. My mom is dressed in high heels, starched apron over her knit dress, presenting my homemade cake. Naturally, I modeled Gabby’s scrapbook after my own: never a bad day.

A lot of my friends belong to scrapbooking clubs. They have consultants who school them on the virtues of non-acidic paper, themes, stickers, and organization. I wonder if they have any decorative cutouts I can add to Gabby’s book that say, “Yucky face you made when I asked you to clean your room"?

Recently, a friend and I got together for coffee. She brought along some pictures of a party that I had attended. “Oh my gosh!” I said, “What a horrible picture!” There I was, eyelids half closed, mouth wide open, my lower jaw resting on a stack of chins. “You’ve got to get rid of this – it doesn’t look anything like me!” Was it my vanity speaking, or insecurity?

She leaned over to look, and laughed. “Actually, in that split second, that’s exactly how you looked.” I wonder what pictures are in her daughter’s scrapbook?

I think of all the ones I should have taken. In Gabby’s first Santa picture, she appears as jolly as he is. But it took an hour and half of hysterical screaming, three trips through the line, and me sitting on Santa’s lap with her before we got that shot. We have a framed picture of Gabby gazing up at me while hiking on a Technicolor fall day. She’s holding my hand, and in her other hand is a lollipop. It was either that, or haul the camera equipment back to the car when she had a fit over not being able to play near a cliff. No more! If we can have reality television, we can have reality scrapbooks. I’d like to think that someday, when Gabby is raising her own children, she’d thank me for my honesty. Wishful thinking, I’m sure. But maybe it’s not too much to hope that she understands, there are times when we are vulnerable.

I feel a ping on my left cheek. Gabby has flung the thermometer at me. I reach down to pick it up. And then I grab my camera.

Teach Girls How to Hit the Mark

Ask almost any girl to name her best friend and she’ll launch into a complex rating system describing her “best friend, best-best friend, best friend that she’s currently not speaking to, best friend at school, best friend on the bus, used-to-be best friend,” and so on. In other words, it’s complex!

For girls, friends are everything and we do them a great disservice by not telling them the truth about relationships. Myth-buster #1: You can't have 80 best friends! The problem is, they don't have the language to properly distinguish all the people they know, and therefore, the criteria they choose to allow someone into their inner circle. The result? Poor choices, hurt feelings, and drama.

I developed the Friendship Bull's-eye Discussion Tool to help girls grasp the issue. The discussion questions (on the back of the product) prompt girls to think critically about their relationships choices online and in person. The bull's-eye also suggest that people flow in and out of your life for various reasons, and that's not always a bad thing.

Moms, share your story with your daughters. If you're like me, you're lucky to have 1-3 people who've made it to your inner circle and remain there today. Let's take the pressure off girls to be "friends" with everyone.

Slugs

I grew up in the Pacific Northwest where the gardner's natural nemesis is the slug. As a kid, spring showers meant you had to dodge large brown blobs on the walk to school as the wetness brought them (and their trailing slime) out in droves. And, I'm embarrassed to admit that I killed my share of slugs by shaking salt on them which makes them magically melt away in front of your eyes. This is how we entertained ourselves before the invention of video games.

One of my favorite memories of my 83-year old father is when I called him one day from my home in Cleveland to chat and ask what he was doing. "Well!" he started out, "I've had quite the day so far!" This spiked my interest. What could he be up to on a rainy Seattle day?

"I've spent all morning tracking a slug trying to get across the back deck! Do you know how long and hard he has to work?"

Now before you go thinking this is a sad story - that once you hit your 80's, all you have to look forward to is watching the progression of a slug, think again. My father was dedicated to learning at least one new thing a day. Sometimes the lesson to learn was obvious, but some days he pushed himself to challenge an old perception - like the value of a slug.

What if you woke up everyday being curious? Instead of planning the whole day, what if your radar was set to answer, "What new thing am I to learn today?" You might just see slugs in a whole new way.

Additional ways to challenge your perception.

Did You Know This?

Here's part two of Counseling Myths and Facts:

Myth: If I admit I need counseling, I’ll be branded for life.

Asking for help when struggling is the smart thing to do, not a sign of personal weakness. Mental illness is treatable. Counseling helps people address their issues now so that they’re not branded for life.

Myth: The counselor will tell me I’m mentally ill and put me on medication.

Counselors are qualified to diagnose and treat mental illnesses, but not prescribe medication. In some situations, a counselor may refer a client to a psychiatrist to discuss drug treatment in addition to talk therapy. Whether or not a client takes medication is always a personal choice.

Myth: If I go once, they’ll make me keep coming back.

Counseling is completely voluntary. Clients can quit at any time. A counselor’s goal is to help a you feel better, not to keep you in counseling for life.

More tips for Building Resiliency, Recovering from Disappointment, and Managing Conflict.

Counseling Myths and Facts

When people find out I'm a therapist, a common question I receive is, "How can you stand to listening all day to people's problems? Isn't it depressing?" Quite the contrary! I spend little time talking about problems and most discussing solutions. Therefore, I really love my job because it's invigorating and inspirational to work with people at a point in their lives when they want to change for the better. Who wouldn't want to do that all day?

That's just one of the misunderstandings about counseling. In honor of Counseling Awareness Month, I'd like to bust a few more myths:

Myth: My problems aren’t big enough to need counseling.

People don’t have to be sick to want to feel better. If you're frustrated enough that a problem is having a negative effect on your life, that is reason enough for counseling. Sometimes people just need to vent. Just like physical sickness, it’s better to address things sooner rather than later.

Myth: Counselors give advice and tell you exactly what to do.

Friends give advice; counselors help people find their own solutions. That means that counselors will not tell you what to do but rather ask questions to help you discover what you can do for yourself.

Myth: Talking about my problems will only make them worse.

In order to solve something, it must be acknowledged. But counselors don’t dwell on problems. They focus on solutions. They’ll help you figure out what’s causing a situation and discover better ways to deal with it.