The Four Es of Gift Giving

If you've ever had the thrill of giving a gift to someone who was authentically touched by your efforts, you know what I mean when I say that giving the perfect gift is the best present you can receive. When I give a gift or offer an act of service, I use the Four Es as my guidelines:

1) Experience. A one-time experience creates life-long memories by engaging the recipient actively and emotionally. Experiences also extend pleasure due to planning, anticipation, and post-conversations. Many times experiences involve other people, adding to the excitement.

2) Educational. Learning something new that could improve a person's life and be shared with others is a gift without a shelf life. Who knows how many people will actually benefit? Talk about making an impact!

3) Economical. Gifts that are over-the-top elaborate and expensive come with strings attached that take away from the delight of giving and receiving. Givers who spend too much may feel stress later when the bill arrives or harbor expectations of how much the receiver should "enjoy" the gift. Instead, keep it affordable.

4) Environmental. Give gifts that will make a lasting imprint on the person, not the earth.

No matter what condition the economy is in, acts of service will always be a generous way to show how much you care. Everybody has a talent. Don't be shy about sharing yours with someone who can benefit.

If you need a gift ideas that meet the Four Es criteria, consider these from Susan Fee & Associates:

Booklets and E-booklets. Perfect size and price for business or personal gifts. Includes practical, easy-to-apply tips to reduce stress and increase skills.

E-Seminars. Wow! Talk about education at your doorstep (or rather, email in-box)! Imagine offering a 60-minute audio seminar and workbook filled with insights that can be repeatedly accessed.

Personal Coaching. Here's an experience that can't be duplicated. Do you know someone who would benefit from one-on-one face time with someone trained to offer appropriate levels of encouragement and challenge? Radical changes are the result. What an awesome way to positively influence someone's life.

DVDs. Arm your special person with tools and skills to manage life's challenges.

There you have it - gift-giving made easy! And, no calories. It doesn't get any better than that.

E-Motion

The word "emotion" stands for energy in motion. Our feelings produce energy that needs to "move" or be expressed in a healthy way. If not, that energy builds up and cannot be contained. It will release itself in your body in the form of chronic pain, headaches, stomach upset, sleep disruption, sore throats, and tight muscles. Or, it will explode in the form of damaging words.

You can try to suppress emotions by "ignoring" them through distractions: alcohol, drugs, medication, work, relationships, gambling, TV, or Internet addiction. It won't work. You're fighting against a natural law: energy moves.

If you need help expressing your feelings in a healthy way and don't feel safe doing so, please consider these two options. Journaling is a tool that every person can use. This is not a diary of your day, but a special type of writing to help explore the underlying emotions you're experiencing and deal with them.

Second, counseling with a trained professional (versus your friends and family) provides a safe, confidential environment to express feelings and learn how to manage them in a healthy way.

My Kid is an Honor Student!

I'm sure you've seen these bumper stickers placed by proud parents touting the various accomplishments of their children. I think they send a dangerous message which is, my kid is worth bragging about based on performance. When children feel they have to earn their parents' love, it creates an empty pit that no to-do list will ever fill. The effect is damaging to self-worth.

This is an issue I address in 21 Days to Better Parenting. Here's an excerpt on the topic of teaching self-worth: "Children are not more (or less) worthy of love based on behavior, but worthy merely because of their existence. Separating love from performance means your child knows that your love is consistent and not regulated by grades, popularity, capabilities, appearance, or anything else."

So, the next time you want to put a bumper sticker on your car, try this message:

Change Your Life in 21 Days

Twenty-one days from today, how do you want to be different? Whatever you want to change in your life requires that you recognize the habits you've developed that currently have you stuck. Research suggests that you can adopt any habit (good or bad) with 21 consecutive days of consistent behavior.

You are the sum of your habits, so by changing them you can change your life. Writer Charles Reade once said, “Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an action and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.”

The first step is becoming aware of your current choices. After all, a habit is something that occurs without thinking. How can you behave differently if you’re not sure what you’re doing right now? So, changing your habits takes more than good intentions. It takes exploration, thought, and action.

If you're ready to change your life, I want to help. I can't think of anything more exciting and fulfilling than working with people right at the moment of profound change. That has inspired my latest e-book series called 21 Days. Each installment will focus on a topic of change and includes a reflection, journaling, and action step to be completed each day for 21 Days.

The first two guides are complete and are based on the requests I have received. Please take a peek for yourself and read the sample pages: 21 Days to Becoming a Better Parent and 21 Days to Managing Your Stress.

Twenty-one days from today, how will you be different?

You Talkin' to Me?

Watching the the Bridgestone Invitational on TV yesterday, I had to laugh at the spectators who "direct" a player's ball once it's been hit. It usually sounds something like, "Get there!" Perhaps it's just the enthusiasm of the moment...or maybe we think we have more power over such things than we really do.

For instance, how many sports fans record games to watch later and don't want to hear a spoiler score? Logically, we know the outcome cannot be changed, but still we cheer on our team as if we can will them to a win, even when it's already over!

This could all be harmless fun, but if you believe you actually control anything other than your thoughts, actions, and choices, you might find life a tad stressful.

Back to School: Are Your Kids Ready?

If you've been shopping lately, you've seen the advertising reminders that kids will be headed back to school soon. While it may feel too early to think about school supplies, it's not too soon for parents to think about preparing their kids socially and emotionally for the transition into the new school year.

In my counseling practice, I see a lot of adolescents and young adults. Typically, it's the same three issues that trip kids up four-six weeks into the school year: stress management, conflict resolution, and relationships. With that in mind, here's how parents can start preparing students now for a successful school year.

Stress Management

Depending on what your kids have been doing all summer, it can be tough to transition into the demands of a school schedule, particularly if they have been sleeping until noon everyday. I see a lot of kids become overwhelmed trying to balancing homework, projects, and extracurricular activities.

One of the best things parents can do to help their kids manage stress is to manage it well yourself. Kids tend to reflect their parent's methods, so what are you showing them? Help kids recognize the signs of stress and prepare a handful of ways they can relax such as exercise, listening to music, reading, playing with a pet, talking with a trusted friend, journaling, or artwork. If you can teach them to express their emotions in a healthy way, it reduces blow ups and melt downs.

Above all, encourage kids to get moving on a daily basis. They don't have to be in an organized sport, but physical activity is the surest way to release stress. Help them find something they can do no matter the weather.

Conflict Resolution

Encouraging kids to address misunderstandings early, respectfully, and face-to-face (versus online) is a life-long skill. It takes practice to learn how to listen, express hurt feelings, show empathy, and find the right words to respond. Solving an issue for your kids may temporarily stop the pain, but only makes the next conflict more overwhelming.

Start by modeling healthy conflict resolution in your household. Slamming doors, texting wars, yelling, stomping off, and the silent treatment are all off-limits! College freshman who have yet to learn conflict resolution will most likely struggle with roommates. If that's the case, here's a resource to help them learn healthy ways to respond:

My Roommate is Driving Me Crazy!

If you have a daughter who runs into difficulty with a BFF who suddenly becomes an enemy, just remember, it's a learning experience! Teach her how to manage herself and the situation with these resources: Dealing with Mean Girls, Capable & Confident, or BFF! (Except When We're Not)
Relationships

The people we choose to surround ourselves with reflect how we feel about ourselves. Faced with the threat of being alone, many kids compromise their standards, assuming they are worthless without some sort of social connection. You cannot reinforce for your kids enough the fact that they are worthy simply because they exist! Teach them your standards for a healthy relationship (peer and dating). One good rule of a healthy relationship is monitoring how you feel about yourself after spending time with a person?

Provide a household that offers a supportive social network so that kids won't feel so alone that they make unhealthy choices. Let kids see you make new friends and honor close relationships so they have a good example. Don't force them to be "friends" with everyone as that is unrealistic. A better choice is to be respectful of all, but close to those who honor your values.

Help your kids learn skills in these three areas and everyone will have a much smoother school year!

26 Things to Do While Looking for A Job

The current economy has a lot of people out of work and searching for a job. If you're one of them, you may be feeling discouraged. Many of my clients, fellow professionals, and close friends are out of work too, so I have personally heard many stories. While it's true that you must take your job search seriously, I'm going to go against conventional wisdom and suggest that you do not spend eight hours a day doing it.

Here's why: it's depressing to sit in front of a computer all day scanning job sites and submitting online resumes or reading the same want ads. Some people get too hung up on perfecting their resume or cover letter, having spent up to a year out of work, they sit and lament over the smallest detail. After years of coaching and hearing success stories, I'm absolutely convinced that opportunities are revealed through connections to people, not job sites. Therefore, if you're out of work, you need to be spending the majority of your time around current contacts and meeting new people. They will lead you to your next job.

But, I find the more depressed job seekers get, the less social they become. And, when they're around people, they have nothing passionate or interesting to share. That's called poor marketing! Here's what I suggest to my clients: spend 1-3 hours every day seriously searching and applying for positions. Spend the rest of the day meeting with people, pursuing hobbies, learning something new, or helping others. When you're doing something you're passionate about, you meet other people who share the same interests. They meet you at your best and perceive you as a vibrant, employable person. You have something to discuss other than the fact that you're jobless, therefore you're not complaining, or appearing too desperate.

I'm not trying to minimize the need for income. I realize that it may sound frivolous (or impossible) to spend time "playing" when you have bills to pay. My contention is that you will find employment sooner with this approach than you will by spending all day isolated and feeling depressed. With that in mind, here's a list of 26 things to do while looking for a job:

1. Read or re-read a classic novel.
2. Join a book club.
3. Start a blog.
4. Train for a running or bike race.
5. Volunteer at an animal shelter.
6. Plant a garden from seed.
7. Coach a child's sport team.
8. Try a new cooking recipe.
9. Renew an old friendship.
10. Organize a neighborhood potluck.
11. Clean and organize a cluttered space in your house.
12. Hike a trail that you've never explored.
13. Open a dictionary and learn a new word. Use it throughout the day.
14. Host a movie night. Invite 3 friends and ask each to bring an additional guest that you don't know.
15. Read your local newspaper in its entirety (not just the job listings). Share/discuss something new you learned with a friend or neighbor.
16. Volunteer to work at a community festival.
17. Volunteer to work a water station at a running race.
18. Schedule an informational interview with someone working in a field of your interest.
19. Join and participate in a local church.
20. Donate blood to the Red Cross.
21. Research a native bird or flower. Take a walk in a local neighborhood or park and see how many times you can spot it.
22. Write a handwritten letter to a friend, thanking him or her for being part of your life.
23. Volunteer to hand out programs or usher at a local theater in exchange for seeing the show for free.
24. Learn a new language by renting an audio program from the library. Test your skills by watching a foreign film.
25. Join Toastmasters and improve your public speaking skills.
26. Download my free E-Seminar, How to Speak So Others Listen. Share a tip you learned with someone else.

Have more ideas? Feel free to add them by posting a comment. I'd love to hear your thoughts, experiences, and success stories with this approach, so do share.