Change Your Life in 21 Days

Twenty-one days from today, how do you want to be different? Whatever you want to change in your life requires that you recognize the habits you've developed that currently have you stuck. Research suggests that you can adopt any habit (good or bad) with 21 consecutive days of consistent behavior.

You are the sum of your habits, so by changing them you can change your life. Writer Charles Reade once said, “Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an action and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.”

The first step is becoming aware of your current choices. After all, a habit is something that occurs without thinking. How can you behave differently if you’re not sure what you’re doing right now? So, changing your habits takes more than good intentions. It takes exploration, thought, and action.

If you're ready to change your life, I want to help. I can't think of anything more exciting and fulfilling than working with people right at the moment of profound change. That has inspired my latest e-book series called 21 Days. Each installment will focus on a topic of change and includes a reflection, journaling, and action step to be completed each day for 21 Days.

The first two guides are complete and are based on the requests I have received. Please take a peek for yourself and read the sample pages: 21 Days to Becoming a Better Parent and 21 Days to Managing Your Stress.

Twenty-one days from today, how will you be different?

You Talkin' to Me?

Watching the the Bridgestone Invitational on TV yesterday, I had to laugh at the spectators who "direct" a player's ball once it's been hit. It usually sounds something like, "Get there!" Perhaps it's just the enthusiasm of the moment...or maybe we think we have more power over such things than we really do.

For instance, how many sports fans record games to watch later and don't want to hear a spoiler score? Logically, we know the outcome cannot be changed, but still we cheer on our team as if we can will them to a win, even when it's already over!

This could all be harmless fun, but if you believe you actually control anything other than your thoughts, actions, and choices, you might find life a tad stressful.

Back to School: Are Your Kids Ready?

If you've been shopping lately, you've seen the advertising reminders that kids will be headed back to school soon. While it may feel too early to think about school supplies, it's not too soon for parents to think about preparing their kids socially and emotionally for the transition into the new school year.

In my counseling practice, I see a lot of adolescents and young adults. Typically, it's the same three issues that trip kids up four-six weeks into the school year: stress management, conflict resolution, and relationships. With that in mind, here's how parents can start preparing students now for a successful school year.

Stress Management

Depending on what your kids have been doing all summer, it can be tough to transition into the demands of a school schedule, particularly if they have been sleeping until noon everyday. I see a lot of kids become overwhelmed trying to balancing homework, projects, and extracurricular activities.

One of the best things parents can do to help their kids manage stress is to manage it well yourself. Kids tend to reflect their parent's methods, so what are you showing them? Help kids recognize the signs of stress and prepare a handful of ways they can relax such as exercise, listening to music, reading, playing with a pet, talking with a trusted friend, journaling, or artwork. If you can teach them to express their emotions in a healthy way, it reduces blow ups and melt downs.

Above all, encourage kids to get moving on a daily basis. They don't have to be in an organized sport, but physical activity is the surest way to release stress. Help them find something they can do no matter the weather.

Conflict Resolution

Encouraging kids to address misunderstandings early, respectfully, and face-to-face (versus online) is a life-long skill. It takes practice to learn how to listen, express hurt feelings, show empathy, and find the right words to respond. Solving an issue for your kids may temporarily stop the pain, but only makes the next conflict more overwhelming.

Start by modeling healthy conflict resolution in your household. Slamming doors, texting wars, yelling, stomping off, and the silent treatment are all off-limits! College freshman who have yet to learn conflict resolution will most likely struggle with roommates. If that's the case, here's a resource to help them learn healthy ways to respond:

My Roommate is Driving Me Crazy!

If you have a daughter who runs into difficulty with a BFF who suddenly becomes an enemy, just remember, it's a learning experience! Teach her how to manage herself and the situation with these resources: Dealing with Mean Girls, Capable & Confident, or BFF! (Except When We're Not)
Relationships

The people we choose to surround ourselves with reflect how we feel about ourselves. Faced with the threat of being alone, many kids compromise their standards, assuming they are worthless without some sort of social connection. You cannot reinforce for your kids enough the fact that they are worthy simply because they exist! Teach them your standards for a healthy relationship (peer and dating). One good rule of a healthy relationship is monitoring how you feel about yourself after spending time with a person?

Provide a household that offers a supportive social network so that kids won't feel so alone that they make unhealthy choices. Let kids see you make new friends and honor close relationships so they have a good example. Don't force them to be "friends" with everyone as that is unrealistic. A better choice is to be respectful of all, but close to those who honor your values.

Help your kids learn skills in these three areas and everyone will have a much smoother school year!

26 Things to Do While Looking for A Job

The current economy has a lot of people out of work and searching for a job. If you're one of them, you may be feeling discouraged. Many of my clients, fellow professionals, and close friends are out of work too, so I have personally heard many stories. While it's true that you must take your job search seriously, I'm going to go against conventional wisdom and suggest that you do not spend eight hours a day doing it.

Here's why: it's depressing to sit in front of a computer all day scanning job sites and submitting online resumes or reading the same want ads. Some people get too hung up on perfecting their resume or cover letter, having spent up to a year out of work, they sit and lament over the smallest detail. After years of coaching and hearing success stories, I'm absolutely convinced that opportunities are revealed through connections to people, not job sites. Therefore, if you're out of work, you need to be spending the majority of your time around current contacts and meeting new people. They will lead you to your next job.

But, I find the more depressed job seekers get, the less social they become. And, when they're around people, they have nothing passionate or interesting to share. That's called poor marketing! Here's what I suggest to my clients: spend 1-3 hours every day seriously searching and applying for positions. Spend the rest of the day meeting with people, pursuing hobbies, learning something new, or helping others. When you're doing something you're passionate about, you meet other people who share the same interests. They meet you at your best and perceive you as a vibrant, employable person. You have something to discuss other than the fact that you're jobless, therefore you're not complaining, or appearing too desperate.

I'm not trying to minimize the need for income. I realize that it may sound frivolous (or impossible) to spend time "playing" when you have bills to pay. My contention is that you will find employment sooner with this approach than you will by spending all day isolated and feeling depressed. With that in mind, here's a list of 26 things to do while looking for a job:

1. Read or re-read a classic novel.
2. Join a book club.
3. Start a blog.
4. Train for a running or bike race.
5. Volunteer at an animal shelter.
6. Plant a garden from seed.
7. Coach a child's sport team.
8. Try a new cooking recipe.
9. Renew an old friendship.
10. Organize a neighborhood potluck.
11. Clean and organize a cluttered space in your house.
12. Hike a trail that you've never explored.
13. Open a dictionary and learn a new word. Use it throughout the day.
14. Host a movie night. Invite 3 friends and ask each to bring an additional guest that you don't know.
15. Read your local newspaper in its entirety (not just the job listings). Share/discuss something new you learned with a friend or neighbor.
16. Volunteer to work at a community festival.
17. Volunteer to work a water station at a running race.
18. Schedule an informational interview with someone working in a field of your interest.
19. Join and participate in a local church.
20. Donate blood to the Red Cross.
21. Research a native bird or flower. Take a walk in a local neighborhood or park and see how many times you can spot it.
22. Write a handwritten letter to a friend, thanking him or her for being part of your life.
23. Volunteer to hand out programs or usher at a local theater in exchange for seeing the show for free.
24. Learn a new language by renting an audio program from the library. Test your skills by watching a foreign film.
25. Join Toastmasters and improve your public speaking skills.
26. Download my free E-Seminar, How to Speak So Others Listen. Share a tip you learned with someone else.

Have more ideas? Feel free to add them by posting a comment. I'd love to hear your thoughts, experiences, and success stories with this approach, so do share.

When Life's Messy Take a Picture!

In honor of Mother's Day, I humbly share this essay for all the young moms out there who are trying to be "perfect." Don't bother! I wrote this eight years ago when my daughter was four.

It’s 12:30 A.M. My shirt is splattered in neon blue syrup, having dripped in a steady, sticky stream off my hair and face. I stand frozen, spoon in one hand, medicine bottle in the other, contemplating my next move. My assailant is sitting on the kitchen counter, defiantly staring back. Her four-year old hands are clamped over her mouth, her cheeks feverishly red. It was on my third attempt to coax medicine into my daughter’s mouth that she pulled the Bruce Lee move that sent it flying. She removes her hands long enough to scream, “I’m not taking any more medicine ever again!” And then it occurs to me: I should take a picture.

I had spent that afternoon working on Gabby’s scrapbook. Out of rolls of film, only a handful of pictures made the cut. She had to be smiling, clean, dressed in matching clothes, hair brushed. My husband even purchased a digital camera so we could immediately edit bad shots. Pictures of Gabby and me show us laughingly engaged in a way that will be flattering to me years from now. I am put-together, attentive, and never too tired to play. But standing there with Blueberry Blast Bubblegum cough syrup coagulating in my hair, I decide to end the charade. If I’m going to document her childhood, then I’m going to tell the truth.

As soon as my friends and family learned that I was pregnant, I received advice on the importance of keeping a scrapbook: “Start right away! Kids grow so fast, you think you’ll remember everything, but you won’t.” I looked at my own childhood albums, and I don’t recall most of the people or events. I do remember the time when I was five and refused to eat my dinner. I had to sit alone at the table for hours staring at a plateful of three-bean salad. No picture of that. No temper tantrums, fighting with my brother, or spitting up food. Instead, I’m twirling in tutus and blowing out candles. My mom is dressed in high heels, starched apron over her knit dress, presenting my homemade cake. Naturally, I modeled Gabby’s scrapbook after my own: never a bad day.

A lot of my friends belong to scrapbooking clubs. They have consultants who school them on the virtues of non-acidic paper, themes, stickers, and organization. I wonder if they have any decorative cutouts I can add to Gabby’s book that say, “Yucky face you made when I asked you to clean your room"?

Recently, a friend and I got together for coffee. She brought along some pictures of a party that I had attended. “Oh my gosh!” I said, “What a horrible picture!” There I was, eyelids half closed, mouth wide open, my lower jaw resting on a stack of chins. “You’ve got to get rid of this – it doesn’t look anything like me!” Was it my vanity speaking, or insecurity?

She leaned over to look, and laughed. “Actually, in that split second, that’s exactly how you looked.” I wonder what pictures are in her daughter’s scrapbook?

I think of all the ones I should have taken. In Gabby’s first Santa picture, she appears as jolly as he is. But it took an hour and half of hysterical screaming, three trips through the line, and me sitting on Santa’s lap with her before we got that shot. We have a framed picture of Gabby gazing up at me while hiking on a Technicolor fall day. She’s holding my hand, and in her other hand is a lollipop. It was either that, or haul the camera equipment back to the car when she had a fit over not being able to play near a cliff. No more! If we can have reality television, we can have reality scrapbooks. I’d like to think that someday, when Gabby is raising her own children, she’d thank me for my honesty. Wishful thinking, I’m sure. But maybe it’s not too much to hope that she understands, there are times when we are vulnerable.

I feel a ping on my left cheek. Gabby has flung the thermometer at me. I reach down to pick it up. And then I grab my camera.

Teach Girls How to Hit the Mark

Ask almost any girl to name her best friend and she’ll launch into a complex rating system describing her “best friend, best-best friend, best friend that she’s currently not speaking to, best friend at school, best friend on the bus, used-to-be best friend,” and so on. In other words, it’s complex!

For girls, friends are everything and we do them a great disservice by not telling them the truth about relationships. Myth-buster #1: You can't have 80 best friends! The problem is, they don't have the language to properly distinguish all the people they know, and therefore, the criteria they choose to allow someone into their inner circle. The result? Poor choices, hurt feelings, and drama.

I developed the Friendship Bull's-eye Discussion Tool to help girls grasp the issue. The discussion questions (on the back of the product) prompt girls to think critically about their relationships choices online and in person. The bull's-eye also suggest that people flow in and out of your life for various reasons, and that's not always a bad thing.

Moms, share your story with your daughters. If you're like me, you're lucky to have 1-3 people who've made it to your inner circle and remain there today. Let's take the pressure off girls to be "friends" with everyone.

Slugs

I grew up in the Pacific Northwest where the gardner's natural nemesis is the slug. As a kid, spring showers meant you had to dodge large brown blobs on the walk to school as the wetness brought them (and their trailing slime) out in droves. And, I'm embarrassed to admit that I killed my share of slugs by shaking salt on them which makes them magically melt away in front of your eyes. This is how we entertained ourselves before the invention of video games.

One of my favorite memories of my 83-year old father is when I called him one day from my home in Cleveland to chat and ask what he was doing. "Well!" he started out, "I've had quite the day so far!" This spiked my interest. What could he be up to on a rainy Seattle day?

"I've spent all morning tracking a slug trying to get across the back deck! Do you know how long and hard he has to work?"

Now before you go thinking this is a sad story - that once you hit your 80's, all you have to look forward to is watching the progression of a slug, think again. My father was dedicated to learning at least one new thing a day. Sometimes the lesson to learn was obvious, but some days he pushed himself to challenge an old perception - like the value of a slug.

What if you woke up everyday being curious? Instead of planning the whole day, what if your radar was set to answer, "What new thing am I to learn today?" You might just see slugs in a whole new way.

Additional ways to challenge your perception.