Trust is an Inside Job

How do you know who to trust? If you've been hurt by others more than once, you may believe that you can't trust anyone. How can you be sure who's trustworthy? Some people trust everyone fully until they've have reason to believe otherwise.

Learning who and how to trust is an inside job. It doesn't start by evaluating others, it starts by knowing yourself well enough to trust your instincts. Your own values become the barometer of trust by which you measure other people and circumstances. If you don't trust yourself, then you continually look outward for others to define it for you. Start with defining your values. What do you stand for? What's your definition of respect? Love?

You will meet people in your life who will encourage you to override your values. They will minimize your feelings. They will present a case against everything that is true for you.

Don't trust them.

Paul Newman Eyes

Years ago, I remember watching a 60 Minutes feature on Paul Newman. Leslie Stahl was the interviewer and she began the produced package with his film clips, philanthropy work with his food products that help fund his camp for kids, Hole in the Wall. She mentioned his long marriage to Joanne Woodward and his interest in car racing.

Then the interview began. Her first question was about his strikingly blue eyes. He became noticeably agitated and cold. She asked him what was wrong, thinking I suppose, she just had given a compliment. I never forgot his response: "I had nothing to do with my eye color." He went on to explain that he does not deserve praise for something he didn't earn. Wow.

When you think about the praise we give kids or employees, it's often about things they never earned! For instance, my daughter has olive-colored skin. She often receives complimentary remarks on this, but what is the effect? She could start to believe her self-worth is tied to an external measurement - something she has no control over. This is a self-esteem killer.

Praise process, effort, and progress. Give God credit for the rest.

Learn more on raising self-esteem in girls.

The Roommate and Mental Illness

"The Roommate" opened in theaters this weekend and judging by the previews alone, I'm guessing it will cause a dramatic rise in requests for single rooms for college-bound students. But, there's a reason colleges don't offer an abundance of single rooms: there's enormous value in learning how to live with someone else, especially when things aren't going well.

Is a student likely to have a roommate who is mentally ill? Possibly, and don't let that scare you. I speak as a clinical counselor and one who spent some time in a college counseling office. I also interviewed students from across the country for my book on conflict resolution, My Roommate is Driving Me Crazy!

College campuses are a microcosm of society, representing a small sample of our population. And guess what? In the real world, a small percentage of people are experiencing mental illness, that means a percentage of the college population is too. Perhaps the most prevalent is depression. Many times depression goes untreated since it's confused with teen moodiness. The stresses of college life like romantic break ups, finances, grades, and finding a job can affect an already vulnerable person. Anxiety rises for the same reasons.

College life can reveal early signs of alcohol and drug dependency, eating disorders, and self-injury. These are all diagnosable mental illnesses and all can be treated! However, many students go undiagnosed. This is the value of having a roommate.

Educating students on the signs of mental illness is imperative. Friends and roommates are the first ones to notice when a student is not well or is acting odd. In the majority of cases when a student living on campus has acted violently, the roommate was aware something was not right, yet did not report it. Campus life should not be about "minding your own business" or "keeping to yourself." We need students - and the rest of society - to reach out and help those in need.

Don't let "The Roommate" scare you into thinking that living alone at college is the safest thing to do. Quite the opposite.

The Pitch

My book club meets tomorrow night to discuss our latest read, eat great food, socialize, and pitch ideas for our next book choice. Most of you know, I speak professionally for a living. I've been in front of some tough crowds and survived just about every speaking mishap possible. There isn't much that can throw me anymore. Still, pitching to this group of smart, opinionated, well-read women makes me nervous. It has to be spot-on or it's over with a resounding, "No..doesn't sound interesting." Decision time: about 30 seconds.

Unlike most of my book club friends, I favor non-fiction. I can't tell you the thrill I get when they choose one of my book ideas. It means that I successfully "read the room" and "sold" my idea. Often that means skipping the description on Amazon.com and designing my own. It's all about matching the message to the audience.

My book club may not sound like your idea of fun (my husband would agree with you), but we're all pitching our ideas to someone. Who's your audience? Children, bankers, sales clerk, spouse? How successful are your pitches?

Different Strokes

I've decided to participate in the Cleveland Triathlon (sprint distance) on August 7th and that means I've taken up swimming again after a 37-year hiatus. Twice a week, I head to the local pool and complete as many laps as I can before sinking. I swear the seniors doing laps with me starred in Cocoon! Their stamina puts me to shame.

It always amazes me how many muscles go unused in my body, even when I think I've been exercising them all. It's not until I do something new that I learn differently. And that's the point about constantly doing something new or challenging. The brain and body thrive on novelty. With each stroke, I imagine new synapses firing off in my brain, keeping me more alive and alert through out the day. It's the reason I'm excited for my weekly workouts, even though my arms ache and I'm in the slow lane.

A value-added benefit of learning something new is that it may cause waves for someone else. This morning, I was doing my laps and an elderly man stopped me. "Why are you here?" he asked. Confused, I told him I was exercising. "But, why are you here now?" he pressed. Soon, I understood I was in "his" lane. He wanted to know my future schedule and why it was I just showed up ...during the open swim time! I had a chance to practice my conflict resolution skills and he got the chance to learn a bit more flexibility.

Here's my challenge for you: Learn to do something new. You'll feel more energized and have something interesting to talk about when someone asks, what's new?

I Just Want to be Happy!

A lot of people come into my counseling office with the goal of being happy. What they mean is, they don't want to feel sad, angry, depressed, or any other uncomfortable emotion. But, we cannot selectively numb our feelings. If you attempt to pick and choose the ones you want to experience and ignore the rest, you're actually bringing the veil down on all of them.

We have a spectrum of emotions that blend into the next one, just like the color wheel. If you've ever purchased a customized color of paint, you'll see when it's mixed that multiple colors are combined to create the one color you want. Remove one element and you've changed the shade.

Trying to be happy all the time means you want to eliminate the lows. Sounds good, except that the only way we know and appreciate happiness is by comparing it to the times when we're not.
All feelings serve a purpose. Are you living in black and white or technicolor?

Hide-and-Seek in Narnia

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

When my husband and I were new in our careers, we moved frequently as he worked his way up the corporate ladder. To date, I've lived in eight states. While moving can be tough, we loved exploring new cities with fresh eyes. We were amazed how many cool things each location offered that life-long residents took for granted or had never experienced. We vowed to keep up our sense of adventure and remain curious, no matter where we lived.

That sense of curiosity took me to the south island of New Zealand for a two-week family hiking trip. Who would have dreamed that I would spend two hours playing hide-and-seek amongst the breathtaking scenery where The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe was filmed?
Flock Hill, where filming was done for The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe (shown below). The BEST place ever to play hide-and-seek!

Aslan's Rock

“All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.” - Martin Buber

During my journey, I struck up conversations with people from all over the world and ran into one who lived just two hours away. I tried new foods (Vegemite sandwich and Pavlova Cake-pass, Ginger Beer and Lolly Cake-big thumbs up), and experienced amazing views like this one on my way to Mt. Cook.

"Room" with a view of Mt. Cook

“Once you have traveled, the voyage never ends, but is played out over and over again in the quietest chambers. The mind can never break off from the journey.” – Pat Conroy

Gondola View of Queenstown on New Year's Day,2011.

"No journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within." ~Lillian Smith

Kiwi Bird Crossing

"Kiwis don't go around, they go through." This was tour guide Lauren's advice to me as I was contemplating my navigation of a stream. Apparently native New Zealanders (kiwis) are a bit tougher than Americans. It occurred to me how universally helpful her philosophy is in all life matters. Too often, I'm wasting time going around big issues rather than addressing them head on. I got my feet wet...and survived.

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.” – Henry Miller