Different Strokes

I've decided to participate in the Cleveland Triathlon (sprint distance) on August 7th and that means I've taken up swimming again after a 37-year hiatus. Twice a week, I head to the local pool and complete as many laps as I can before sinking. I swear the seniors doing laps with me starred in Cocoon! Their stamina puts me to shame.

It always amazes me how many muscles go unused in my body, even when I think I've been exercising them all. It's not until I do something new that I learn differently. And that's the point about constantly doing something new or challenging. The brain and body thrive on novelty. With each stroke, I imagine new synapses firing off in my brain, keeping me more alive and alert through out the day. It's the reason I'm excited for my weekly workouts, even though my arms ache and I'm in the slow lane.

A value-added benefit of learning something new is that it may cause waves for someone else. This morning, I was doing my laps and an elderly man stopped me. "Why are you here?" he asked. Confused, I told him I was exercising. "But, why are you here now?" he pressed. Soon, I understood I was in "his" lane. He wanted to know my future schedule and why it was I just showed up ...during the open swim time! I had a chance to practice my conflict resolution skills and he got the chance to learn a bit more flexibility.

Here's my challenge for you: Learn to do something new. You'll feel more energized and have something interesting to talk about when someone asks, what's new?

I Just Want to be Happy!

A lot of people come into my counseling office with the goal of being happy. What they mean is, they don't want to feel sad, angry, depressed, or any other uncomfortable emotion. But, we cannot selectively numb our feelings. If you attempt to pick and choose the ones you want to experience and ignore the rest, you're actually bringing the veil down on all of them.

We have a spectrum of emotions that blend into the next one, just like the color wheel. If you've ever purchased a customized color of paint, you'll see when it's mixed that multiple colors are combined to create the one color you want. Remove one element and you've changed the shade.

Trying to be happy all the time means you want to eliminate the lows. Sounds good, except that the only way we know and appreciate happiness is by comparing it to the times when we're not.
All feelings serve a purpose. Are you living in black and white or technicolor?

Hide-and-Seek in Narnia

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

When my husband and I were new in our careers, we moved frequently as he worked his way up the corporate ladder. To date, I've lived in eight states. While moving can be tough, we loved exploring new cities with fresh eyes. We were amazed how many cool things each location offered that life-long residents took for granted or had never experienced. We vowed to keep up our sense of adventure and remain curious, no matter where we lived.

That sense of curiosity took me to the south island of New Zealand for a two-week family hiking trip. Who would have dreamed that I would spend two hours playing hide-and-seek amongst the breathtaking scenery where The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe was filmed?
Flock Hill, where filming was done for The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe (shown below). The BEST place ever to play hide-and-seek!

Aslan's Rock

“All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.” - Martin Buber

During my journey, I struck up conversations with people from all over the world and ran into one who lived just two hours away. I tried new foods (Vegemite sandwich and Pavlova Cake-pass, Ginger Beer and Lolly Cake-big thumbs up), and experienced amazing views like this one on my way to Mt. Cook.

"Room" with a view of Mt. Cook

“Once you have traveled, the voyage never ends, but is played out over and over again in the quietest chambers. The mind can never break off from the journey.” – Pat Conroy

Gondola View of Queenstown on New Year's Day,2011.

"No journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within." ~Lillian Smith

Kiwi Bird Crossing

"Kiwis don't go around, they go through." This was tour guide Lauren's advice to me as I was contemplating my navigation of a stream. Apparently native New Zealanders (kiwis) are a bit tougher than Americans. It occurred to me how universally helpful her philosophy is in all life matters. Too often, I'm wasting time going around big issues rather than addressing them head on. I got my feet wet...and survived.

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.” – Henry Miller

Living a 3D Life

What if you went to the movies, and it was YOUR life showing on the big screen? Would it be two or three dimensional? What makes a three-dimensional picture so cool is the addition of depth. Both in movie making and life, adding depth takes a lot more time and work. It’s costlier upfront, but has the potential of a big payoff.

Movies in 3-D involve you in the experience versus allowing you to be a spectator. Ever feel like you’re removed from life, watching from a distance? Fear, pain, and guilt separate us from a deeply lived life, but they don’t have to. No more skimming the surface in 2011! Tips on adding dimension to your life are included in my upcoming January (free) E-Zine. Sign up to receive it here and check out past tips.

A Year of Firsts

If you've suffered a loss this year, holidays or special occasions can be especially emotional since they are the first ones without your loved one. The initial loss is hard, sometimes a shock. But then the year unfolds and the impact of that person's absence becomes more concrete.

After losing my Dad in April, my year started with Father's Day, then came his birthday, Thanksgiving, and now Christmas. My year of firsts won't be completed for another six months. If you have a similar experience, here are a few tips to ease the pain:

Honor the Whole Story. When you think of the person you lost, remember their whole life, not just their death. In grief, we often limit our focus to a difficult ending rather than acknowledging better times.

Start a New Tradition. Your loved one may have been central to a holiday tradition making it painful for you to carry it out. Instead, start a new tradition that honors that person's memory, but gives you a way to move forward.

Keep Talking. It's healthy to keep talking fondly about the person you miss, noting what he or she taught you, what would make him laugh, or how she would have reacted to something. They are alive in your heart and woven into your story as long as you keep them present.

Find Community. Deep periods of grief can keep you socially isolated, afraid of getting too close to anyone and getting hurt again by loss. Protecting yourself in that way actually hurts more. All of us will suffer loss. It's possible to find great comfort knowing someone else understands our pain. Reach out to friends, church community groups, or grief support groups.

Share the Lesson. While there is sadness in loss, that's not where your story is meant to end. If your loved one was meaningful to you, then there are lessons from their passing that you're meant to learn and share. The purpose of death is to remind us how to live.

For more support, here are two resources I recommend:

Building Resiliency: 68 Coping Strategies for Surviving & Thriving During Adversity

Bouncing Forward: How to Respond Positively to Life's Challenges

Save the Drama For Your Mama

Oh the drama of school girls on winter break! Parents of daughters, be prepared for the possibility of friendship blowouts over the next two weeks. Girls are desperate to stay connected and without school contact, they'll be online and texting more. No one wants to be left out of the loop. Girls who didn't secure get-togethers over the break start to feel lonely and socially isolated. I'll be on Cleveland's WKYC TV tomorrow (12/23) during Good Company (10-11 am) with advice for parents in this situation. Meanwhile, for immediate help, be sure and check out my Facebook Fan Page for a ONE DAY offer. If you have a daughter, you don't want to pass this up!

Time Management Doesn't Exist

There's no such thing as time management. No matter what you do, you still have 24 hours each day, just like everybody else. Forget claims of "squeezing one more hour" into your day. The more you focus on manipulating the clock, the more frustrated you'll become. Here's what you do have: SELF management. You have control over the choices you make within that 24 hours.

We often blame "time" for "getting away from us," when the truth is, we got away from ourselves. Use the time you do have to clarify your values, then support them with behavior. The more streamlined you become in what's important to you, the less distracted you'll become when it comes to fitting it in.

What if you organized your day based on energy management? In other words, you scheduled things that take energy, but also activities that give you energy. That decision alone can lead to improved self management!

If you want to attain this level of clarity in your life and aren't sure how to get there, personal coaching can help. Investing in your personal growth - now that's a good use of time!