New Perspective

The most valuable lesson I learned as a young journalist is that I don't have to know how to do everything myself, I just need to know who and what to ask. It gave me the confidence to explore novel situations knowing that the answers would be there if I ask. In fact, as soon as I'm in a place where I feel I know all the answers, I'm not really living. I'm stagnant.

Over time, I've also learned that different questions lead to different perspectives. It is the oddball inquiry that leads to the most interesting discoveries.

Do you stick with the obvious questions? Or, will you be the one to dig deeper? The question is not if the glass is half full or empty, but rather, where did the water come from in the first place and how can I get more of it?

NE Ohio clinicians: Are your clients and patients asking the right questions? Join me Saturday April 16 at Lakeshore Educational & Counseling Services for Encouraging Clients to Become Solution-Focused (3 hr CEU).

The Non-Apology

So sorry Gilbert Gottfried, I do not accept your apology regarding your insensitive jokes about Japan. That is if you really apologized in the first place. Did you?

Here's what you've been quoted as saying on Twitter: "I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan." So if I wasn't offended, you're not sorry as you didn't really do anything wrong? You're just sorry at me being offended?

Here's your follow up: "I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families." Hmm. It seems to me that the more explaining and justifying you have to provide, the less sincere the apology. This statement is all about you - what about the impact of your words on others?

Just to be clear, I'm all about forgiveness. Heaven knows, I've needed it plenty of times in my own life and will many times more. Yet, there's a lack of accountability here. A sincere apology has three important steps:

1. Own your behavior without blaming others, justifying, or explaining. Just own it.
2. Acknowledge the impact of your words and actions had on others. Make no assumptions, and no minimizing the feelings of others.
3. Commit to changing your future behavior and then do so consistently.

Try again Mr. Gottfried. Please. To save you some time, I'll list some other non-apology statements to avoid:

"Sorry you feel that way."
"If I did anything wrong, I'm sorry."
"Sorry, but I didn't mean it."
"Sorry this incident occurred."
"Sorry, I had no idea you were so sensitive."

More tips on Overcoming a Negative Impression.

Power of One

Parents are probably familiar with the terms "bully" and "target" but the role we really need to focus on is "bystander." Bystanders comprise 90% of the kids in school. They are the ones witnessing bullying taking place, but don't speak up. There are various reasons for their silence: fear, lack of skills, or their parents have coached them to mind their own business and not get involved. It's time to get involved.

Dateline NBC produced an excellent segment on bullying highlighting the power of the bystander. As soon as one kid speaks up, others gather the courage to join him or her. It's a slow turn of the tide, but eventually peer pressure can have a positive effect by inhibiting bullying behaviors.

It's imperative that bystanders learn skills to speak up. Not every kid is equipped to take on the bully, but they can reach out to the target and remove that student from a bad situation. This one act will end negative behavior faster than trying to teach empathy to a child who is bullying.

If you need help in teaching these skills, here are a few resources. First, a good counselor can coach children in assertive communication skills. If you have a daughter, I have several resources to build positive social skills including an E-Seminar, DVD, and CD.

For teachers and mental health professionals living in NE Ohio, please join me on May 11 at Lorain Community College. I'll be teaching solution-focused strategies for bullying along side the staff of Campus Impact. Our goal is to provide specific tools and exercises to address all roles in the bullying cycle.