Did You Know This?

Here's part two of Counseling Myths and Facts:

Myth: If I admit I need counseling, I’ll be branded for life.

Asking for help when struggling is the smart thing to do, not a sign of personal weakness. Mental illness is treatable. Counseling helps people address their issues now so that they’re not branded for life.

Myth: The counselor will tell me I’m mentally ill and put me on medication.

Counselors are qualified to diagnose and treat mental illnesses, but not prescribe medication. In some situations, a counselor may refer a client to a psychiatrist to discuss drug treatment in addition to talk therapy. Whether or not a client takes medication is always a personal choice.

Myth: If I go once, they’ll make me keep coming back.

Counseling is completely voluntary. Clients can quit at any time. A counselor’s goal is to help a you feel better, not to keep you in counseling for life.

More tips for Building Resiliency, Recovering from Disappointment, and Managing Conflict.

Counseling Myths and Facts

When people find out I'm a therapist, a common question I receive is, "How can you stand to listening all day to people's problems? Isn't it depressing?" Quite the contrary! I spend little time talking about problems and most discussing solutions. Therefore, I really love my job because it's invigorating and inspirational to work with people at a point in their lives when they want to change for the better. Who wouldn't want to do that all day?

That's just one of the misunderstandings about counseling. In honor of Counseling Awareness Month, I'd like to bust a few more myths:

Myth: My problems aren’t big enough to need counseling.

People don’t have to be sick to want to feel better. If you're frustrated enough that a problem is having a negative effect on your life, that is reason enough for counseling. Sometimes people just need to vent. Just like physical sickness, it’s better to address things sooner rather than later.

Myth: Counselors give advice and tell you exactly what to do.

Friends give advice; counselors help people find their own solutions. That means that counselors will not tell you what to do but rather ask questions to help you discover what you can do for yourself.

Myth: Talking about my problems will only make them worse.

In order to solve something, it must be acknowledged. But counselors don’t dwell on problems. They focus on solutions. They’ll help you figure out what’s causing a situation and discover better ways to deal with it.

Brave Enough to Ask Your Kids?

Are you brave enough to ask for feedback? Most of us cringe at the thought of hearing others' opinions unless we know it will be positive. I'd guess most of us are far more fragile on the inside than we'd ever admit.

Yet as parents, we don't hesitate to give all sorts of unsolicited feedback to our children! Many times parents only speak up when kids are misbehaving. If they're acting well, parents don't really notice or they don't want to ruin a good thing.

What if the tables were turned and your kids were able to give you feedback? Even better, what if you asked for it? One of the most empowering moments I facilitate in family counseling is giving each family member a chance to offer feedback with an exercise called Stop, Start, Continue. Here's how it sounds:

"One thing I'd like you to stop is..."
"One thing I'd like you to start is..."
"One thing I'd like you to continue is..."

This frames feedback in a respectful way that's not overwhelming. When kids know they can have a voice in the family and be heard, their relationship with you flourishes.

New Perspective

The most valuable lesson I learned as a young journalist is that I don't have to know how to do everything myself, I just need to know who and what to ask. It gave me the confidence to explore novel situations knowing that the answers would be there if I ask. In fact, as soon as I'm in a place where I feel I know all the answers, I'm not really living. I'm stagnant.

Over time, I've also learned that different questions lead to different perspectives. It is the oddball inquiry that leads to the most interesting discoveries.

Do you stick with the obvious questions? Or, will you be the one to dig deeper? The question is not if the glass is half full or empty, but rather, where did the water come from in the first place and how can I get more of it?

NE Ohio clinicians: Are your clients and patients asking the right questions? Join me Saturday April 16 at Lakeshore Educational & Counseling Services for Encouraging Clients to Become Solution-Focused (3 hr CEU).

The Non-Apology

So sorry Gilbert Gottfried, I do not accept your apology regarding your insensitive jokes about Japan. That is if you really apologized in the first place. Did you?

Here's what you've been quoted as saying on Twitter: "I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan." So if I wasn't offended, you're not sorry as you didn't really do anything wrong? You're just sorry at me being offended?

Here's your follow up: "I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families." Hmm. It seems to me that the more explaining and justifying you have to provide, the less sincere the apology. This statement is all about you - what about the impact of your words on others?

Just to be clear, I'm all about forgiveness. Heaven knows, I've needed it plenty of times in my own life and will many times more. Yet, there's a lack of accountability here. A sincere apology has three important steps:

1. Own your behavior without blaming others, justifying, or explaining. Just own it.
2. Acknowledge the impact of your words and actions had on others. Make no assumptions, and no minimizing the feelings of others.
3. Commit to changing your future behavior and then do so consistently.

Try again Mr. Gottfried. Please. To save you some time, I'll list some other non-apology statements to avoid:

"Sorry you feel that way."
"If I did anything wrong, I'm sorry."
"Sorry, but I didn't mean it."
"Sorry this incident occurred."
"Sorry, I had no idea you were so sensitive."

More tips on Overcoming a Negative Impression.

Power of One

Parents are probably familiar with the terms "bully" and "target" but the role we really need to focus on is "bystander." Bystanders comprise 90% of the kids in school. They are the ones witnessing bullying taking place, but don't speak up. There are various reasons for their silence: fear, lack of skills, or their parents have coached them to mind their own business and not get involved. It's time to get involved.

Dateline NBC produced an excellent segment on bullying highlighting the power of the bystander. As soon as one kid speaks up, others gather the courage to join him or her. It's a slow turn of the tide, but eventually peer pressure can have a positive effect by inhibiting bullying behaviors.

It's imperative that bystanders learn skills to speak up. Not every kid is equipped to take on the bully, but they can reach out to the target and remove that student from a bad situation. This one act will end negative behavior faster than trying to teach empathy to a child who is bullying.

If you need help in teaching these skills, here are a few resources. First, a good counselor can coach children in assertive communication skills. If you have a daughter, I have several resources to build positive social skills including an E-Seminar, DVD, and CD.

For teachers and mental health professionals living in NE Ohio, please join me on May 11 at Lorain Community College. I'll be teaching solution-focused strategies for bullying along side the staff of Campus Impact. Our goal is to provide specific tools and exercises to address all roles in the bullying cycle.

Miracle Whip: Love It or Hate It?

I hate Miracle Whip, what about you? Kraft wants your opinion as prompted by their new ad campaign. While I detest their product, I love these ads! Purposely designed to polarize, they also clearly define the product and make it memorable. Are you brave enough to be so bold?

When you're marketing yourself, know this: no one remembers neutral. Be confident enough to stand for something. Have an opinion. You don't have to be crass or rude - but if you spend all your days trying not to offend people, we will have missed out on getting to know the real you.

P.S. If you're going to splurge, make it real mayonnaise...