Staying Down

Cleveland temperatures warmed up yesterday, so I ventured outdoors for my morning run. As careful as I thought I was being, I hit black ice anyway and went down hard! Perhaps you've had one of those falls where just a second ago you were up, and just like that, you're down, without a clue what happened between here and there. My first instinct was to get back up again as quickly as possible. Perhaps I was nervous someone would see my embarrassing predicament? Well, of course, I went right back down again!

It occurred to me the second time around that sometimes in life, there's value in staying down. When we stumble, it's for a reason. Getting up too quickly and forging ahead without examining the cause for our fall will lead us right back down again, eventually.

Life is an "And"

Since the passing of Joe Paterno, much has been said about his life and legacy. Most of the discussion centers around whether the choices he made near the end of his career overshadow the reputation he had spent a lifetime building. In other words, was he good or bad? Without having ever met the man, I can say without a doubt that he was both. I say that because he's human, and just like the rest of us, Paterno's life was an "And."

Each and every one of us is capable of making both good and bad choices. Our hearts are capable are expressing both love and hate - sometimes for the same person. At any moment, each of us is only two or three decisions away from ruining our lives. Human beings are complex and vulnerable. It's unfair to categorize anyone as "either, or."

Perceiving someone as all bad takes away our compassion and hope for redemption or forgiveness. Assuming someone is all good will eventually lead to disappointment because people will fail us. Putting people on a pedestal only makes the fall greater and makes it harder for them to admit mistakes.

The purpose of death is to remind us how to live. Without judgment, what lessons can you take away from Paterno's death to apply to your own life? Do you have reasonable expectations of people? Do you need to reconcile a relationship? Are you living a truthful life? If you were to die today, would you be proud of the choices you're currently making? Let Paterno's legacy be that his conduct made us think about our own.

Be Glad that Life is Unfair

Have you ever noticed that those claiming life's unfair never make the same observation when unjustly receiving something? Shouldn't the same level of indignity be displayed at finding a coin on the sidewalk, hitting a green traffic light, speeding and not getting a ticket, all the times when you didn't catch a cold, sunshine on a day off, or having the door held open by a stranger? Why not protest then?

It seems the life-is-unfair approach to living comes with a limited perspective. In order to have it, you can only focus on times when you've been wronged. Add to that a deep sense of bitterness because everyone else is "lucky." In fact, research shows those who report the highest levels of life satisfaction have experienced the most adversity.

Life is indeed unfair and I, for one, am grateful. I have received more grace and mercy than I deserve - more than I could ever earn. How well does life treat you? It all depends on your perspective.

The Four Es of Gift Giving

If you've ever had the thrill of giving a gift to someone who was authentically touched by your efforts, you know what I mean when I say that giving the perfect gift is the best present you can receive. When I give a gift or offer an act of service, I use the Four Es as my guidelines:

1) Experience. A one-time experience creates life-long memories by engaging the recipient actively and emotionally. Experiences also extend pleasure due to planning, anticipation, and post-conversations. Many times experiences involve other people, adding to the excitement.

2) Educational. Learning something new that could improve a person's life and be shared with others is a gift without a shelf life. Who knows how many people will actually benefit? Talk about making an impact!

3) Economical. Gifts that are over-the-top elaborate and expensive come with strings attached that take away from the delight of giving and receiving. Givers who spend too much may feel stress later when the bill arrives or harbor expectations of how much the receiver should "enjoy" the gift. Instead, keep it affordable.

4) Environmental. Give gifts that will make a lasting imprint on the person, not the earth.

No matter what condition the economy is in, acts of service will always be a generous way to show how much you care. Everybody has a talent. Don't be shy about sharing yours with someone who can benefit.

If you need a gift ideas that meet the Four Es criteria, consider these from Susan Fee & Associates:

Booklets and E-booklets. Perfect size and price for business or personal gifts. Includes practical, easy-to-apply tips to reduce stress and increase skills.

E-Seminars. Wow! Talk about education at your doorstep (or rather, email in-box)! Imagine offering a 60-minute audio seminar and workbook filled with insights that can be repeatedly accessed.

Personal Coaching. Here's an experience that can't be duplicated. Do you know someone who would benefit from one-on-one face time with someone trained to offer appropriate levels of encouragement and challenge? Radical changes are the result. What an awesome way to positively influence someone's life.

DVDs. Arm your special person with tools and skills to manage life's challenges.

There you have it - gift-giving made easy! And, no calories. It doesn't get any better than that.

E-Motion

The word "emotion" stands for energy in motion. Our feelings produce energy that needs to "move" or be expressed in a healthy way. If not, that energy builds up and cannot be contained. It will release itself in your body in the form of chronic pain, headaches, stomach upset, sleep disruption, sore throats, and tight muscles. Or, it will explode in the form of damaging words.

You can try to suppress emotions by "ignoring" them through distractions: alcohol, drugs, medication, work, relationships, gambling, TV, or Internet addiction. It won't work. You're fighting against a natural law: energy moves.

If you need help expressing your feelings in a healthy way and don't feel safe doing so, please consider these two options. Journaling is a tool that every person can use. This is not a diary of your day, but a special type of writing to help explore the underlying emotions you're experiencing and deal with them.

Second, counseling with a trained professional (versus your friends and family) provides a safe, confidential environment to express feelings and learn how to manage them in a healthy way.

My Kid is an Honor Student!

I'm sure you've seen these bumper stickers placed by proud parents touting the various accomplishments of their children. I think they send a dangerous message which is, my kid is worth bragging about based on performance. When children feel they have to earn their parents' love, it creates an empty pit that no to-do list will ever fill. The effect is damaging to self-worth.

This is an issue I address in 21 Days to Better Parenting. Here's an excerpt on the topic of teaching self-worth: "Children are not more (or less) worthy of love based on behavior, but worthy merely because of their existence. Separating love from performance means your child knows that your love is consistent and not regulated by grades, popularity, capabilities, appearance, or anything else."

So, the next time you want to put a bumper sticker on your car, try this message:

Change Your Life in 21 Days

Twenty-one days from today, how do you want to be different? Whatever you want to change in your life requires that you recognize the habits you've developed that currently have you stuck. Research suggests that you can adopt any habit (good or bad) with 21 consecutive days of consistent behavior.

You are the sum of your habits, so by changing them you can change your life. Writer Charles Reade once said, “Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an action and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.”

The first step is becoming aware of your current choices. After all, a habit is something that occurs without thinking. How can you behave differently if you’re not sure what you’re doing right now? So, changing your habits takes more than good intentions. It takes exploration, thought, and action.

If you're ready to change your life, I want to help. I can't think of anything more exciting and fulfilling than working with people right at the moment of profound change. That has inspired my latest e-book series called 21 Days. Each installment will focus on a topic of change and includes a reflection, journaling, and action step to be completed each day for 21 Days.

The first two guides are complete and are based on the requests I have received. Please take a peek for yourself and read the sample pages: 21 Days to Becoming a Better Parent and 21 Days to Managing Your Stress.

Twenty-one days from today, how will you be different?