Be Glad that Life is Unfair

Have you ever noticed that those claiming life's unfair never make the same observation when unjustly receiving something? Shouldn't the same level of indignity be displayed at finding a coin on the sidewalk, hitting a green traffic light, speeding and not getting a ticket, all the times when you didn't catch a cold, sunshine on a day off, or having the door held open by a stranger? Why not protest then?

It seems the life-is-unfair approach to living comes with a limited perspective. In order to have it, you can only focus on times when you've been wronged. Add to that a deep sense of bitterness because everyone else is "lucky." In fact, research shows those who report the highest levels of life satisfaction have experienced the most adversity.

Life is indeed unfair and I, for one, am grateful. I have received more grace and mercy than I deserve - more than I could ever earn. How well does life treat you? It all depends on your perspective.

The Four Es of Gift Giving

If you've ever had the thrill of giving a gift to someone who was authentically touched by your efforts, you know what I mean when I say that giving the perfect gift is the best present you can receive. When I give a gift or offer an act of service, I use the Four Es as my guidelines:

1) Experience. A one-time experience creates life-long memories by engaging the recipient actively and emotionally. Experiences also extend pleasure due to planning, anticipation, and post-conversations. Many times experiences involve other people, adding to the excitement.

2) Educational. Learning something new that could improve a person's life and be shared with others is a gift without a shelf life. Who knows how many people will actually benefit? Talk about making an impact!

3) Economical. Gifts that are over-the-top elaborate and expensive come with strings attached that take away from the delight of giving and receiving. Givers who spend too much may feel stress later when the bill arrives or harbor expectations of how much the receiver should "enjoy" the gift. Instead, keep it affordable.

4) Environmental. Give gifts that will make a lasting imprint on the person, not the earth.

No matter what condition the economy is in, acts of service will always be a generous way to show how much you care. Everybody has a talent. Don't be shy about sharing yours with someone who can benefit.

If you need a gift ideas that meet the Four Es criteria, consider these from Susan Fee & Associates:

Booklets and E-booklets. Perfect size and price for business or personal gifts. Includes practical, easy-to-apply tips to reduce stress and increase skills.

E-Seminars. Wow! Talk about education at your doorstep (or rather, email in-box)! Imagine offering a 60-minute audio seminar and workbook filled with insights that can be repeatedly accessed.

Personal Coaching. Here's an experience that can't be duplicated. Do you know someone who would benefit from one-on-one face time with someone trained to offer appropriate levels of encouragement and challenge? Radical changes are the result. What an awesome way to positively influence someone's life.

DVDs. Arm your special person with tools and skills to manage life's challenges.

There you have it - gift-giving made easy! And, no calories. It doesn't get any better than that.

E-Motion

The word "emotion" stands for energy in motion. Our feelings produce energy that needs to "move" or be expressed in a healthy way. If not, that energy builds up and cannot be contained. It will release itself in your body in the form of chronic pain, headaches, stomach upset, sleep disruption, sore throats, and tight muscles. Or, it will explode in the form of damaging words.

You can try to suppress emotions by "ignoring" them through distractions: alcohol, drugs, medication, work, relationships, gambling, TV, or Internet addiction. It won't work. You're fighting against a natural law: energy moves.

If you need help expressing your feelings in a healthy way and don't feel safe doing so, please consider these two options. Journaling is a tool that every person can use. This is not a diary of your day, but a special type of writing to help explore the underlying emotions you're experiencing and deal with them.

Second, counseling with a trained professional (versus your friends and family) provides a safe, confidential environment to express feelings and learn how to manage them in a healthy way.

My Kid is an Honor Student!

I'm sure you've seen these bumper stickers placed by proud parents touting the various accomplishments of their children. I think they send a dangerous message which is, my kid is worth bragging about based on performance. When children feel they have to earn their parents' love, it creates an empty pit that no to-do list will ever fill. The effect is damaging to self-worth.

This is an issue I address in 21 Days to Better Parenting. Here's an excerpt on the topic of teaching self-worth: "Children are not more (or less) worthy of love based on behavior, but worthy merely because of their existence. Separating love from performance means your child knows that your love is consistent and not regulated by grades, popularity, capabilities, appearance, or anything else."

So, the next time you want to put a bumper sticker on your car, try this message:

Change Your Life in 21 Days

Twenty-one days from today, how do you want to be different? Whatever you want to change in your life requires that you recognize the habits you've developed that currently have you stuck. Research suggests that you can adopt any habit (good or bad) with 21 consecutive days of consistent behavior.

You are the sum of your habits, so by changing them you can change your life. Writer Charles Reade once said, “Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an action and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.”

The first step is becoming aware of your current choices. After all, a habit is something that occurs without thinking. How can you behave differently if you’re not sure what you’re doing right now? So, changing your habits takes more than good intentions. It takes exploration, thought, and action.

If you're ready to change your life, I want to help. I can't think of anything more exciting and fulfilling than working with people right at the moment of profound change. That has inspired my latest e-book series called 21 Days. Each installment will focus on a topic of change and includes a reflection, journaling, and action step to be completed each day for 21 Days.

The first two guides are complete and are based on the requests I have received. Please take a peek for yourself and read the sample pages: 21 Days to Becoming a Better Parent and 21 Days to Managing Your Stress.

Twenty-one days from today, how will you be different?

You Talkin' to Me?

Watching the the Bridgestone Invitational on TV yesterday, I had to laugh at the spectators who "direct" a player's ball once it's been hit. It usually sounds something like, "Get there!" Perhaps it's just the enthusiasm of the moment...or maybe we think we have more power over such things than we really do.

For instance, how many sports fans record games to watch later and don't want to hear a spoiler score? Logically, we know the outcome cannot be changed, but still we cheer on our team as if we can will them to a win, even when it's already over!

This could all be harmless fun, but if you believe you actually control anything other than your thoughts, actions, and choices, you might find life a tad stressful.

Back to School: Are Your Kids Ready?

If you've been shopping lately, you've seen the advertising reminders that kids will be headed back to school soon. While it may feel too early to think about school supplies, it's not too soon for parents to think about preparing their kids socially and emotionally for the transition into the new school year.

In my counseling practice, I see a lot of adolescents and young adults. Typically, it's the same three issues that trip kids up four-six weeks into the school year: stress management, conflict resolution, and relationships. With that in mind, here's how parents can start preparing students now for a successful school year.

Stress Management

Depending on what your kids have been doing all summer, it can be tough to transition into the demands of a school schedule, particularly if they have been sleeping until noon everyday. I see a lot of kids become overwhelmed trying to balancing homework, projects, and extracurricular activities.

One of the best things parents can do to help their kids manage stress is to manage it well yourself. Kids tend to reflect their parent's methods, so what are you showing them? Help kids recognize the signs of stress and prepare a handful of ways they can relax such as exercise, listening to music, reading, playing with a pet, talking with a trusted friend, journaling, or artwork. If you can teach them to express their emotions in a healthy way, it reduces blow ups and melt downs.

Above all, encourage kids to get moving on a daily basis. They don't have to be in an organized sport, but physical activity is the surest way to release stress. Help them find something they can do no matter the weather.

Conflict Resolution

Encouraging kids to address misunderstandings early, respectfully, and face-to-face (versus online) is a life-long skill. It takes practice to learn how to listen, express hurt feelings, show empathy, and find the right words to respond. Solving an issue for your kids may temporarily stop the pain, but only makes the next conflict more overwhelming.

Start by modeling healthy conflict resolution in your household. Slamming doors, texting wars, yelling, stomping off, and the silent treatment are all off-limits! College freshman who have yet to learn conflict resolution will most likely struggle with roommates. If that's the case, here's a resource to help them learn healthy ways to respond:

My Roommate is Driving Me Crazy!

If you have a daughter who runs into difficulty with a BFF who suddenly becomes an enemy, just remember, it's a learning experience! Teach her how to manage herself and the situation with these resources: Dealing with Mean Girls, Capable & Confident, or BFF! (Except When We're Not)
Relationships

The people we choose to surround ourselves with reflect how we feel about ourselves. Faced with the threat of being alone, many kids compromise their standards, assuming they are worthless without some sort of social connection. You cannot reinforce for your kids enough the fact that they are worthy simply because they exist! Teach them your standards for a healthy relationship (peer and dating). One good rule of a healthy relationship is monitoring how you feel about yourself after spending time with a person?

Provide a household that offers a supportive social network so that kids won't feel so alone that they make unhealthy choices. Let kids see you make new friends and honor close relationships so they have a good example. Don't force them to be "friends" with everyone as that is unrealistic. A better choice is to be respectful of all, but close to those who honor your values.

Help your kids learn skills in these three areas and everyone will have a much smoother school year!

26 Things to Do While Looking for A Job

The current economy has a lot of people out of work and searching for a job. If you're one of them, you may be feeling discouraged. Many of my clients, fellow professionals, and close friends are out of work too, so I have personally heard many stories. While it's true that you must take your job search seriously, I'm going to go against conventional wisdom and suggest that you do not spend eight hours a day doing it.

Here's why: it's depressing to sit in front of a computer all day scanning job sites and submitting online resumes or reading the same want ads. Some people get too hung up on perfecting their resume or cover letter, having spent up to a year out of work, they sit and lament over the smallest detail. After years of coaching and hearing success stories, I'm absolutely convinced that opportunities are revealed through connections to people, not job sites. Therefore, if you're out of work, you need to be spending the majority of your time around current contacts and meeting new people. They will lead you to your next job.

But, I find the more depressed job seekers get, the less social they become. And, when they're around people, they have nothing passionate or interesting to share. That's called poor marketing! Here's what I suggest to my clients: spend 1-3 hours every day seriously searching and applying for positions. Spend the rest of the day meeting with people, pursuing hobbies, learning something new, or helping others. When you're doing something you're passionate about, you meet other people who share the same interests. They meet you at your best and perceive you as a vibrant, employable person. You have something to discuss other than the fact that you're jobless, therefore you're not complaining, or appearing too desperate.

I'm not trying to minimize the need for income. I realize that it may sound frivolous (or impossible) to spend time "playing" when you have bills to pay. My contention is that you will find employment sooner with this approach than you will by spending all day isolated and feeling depressed. With that in mind, here's a list of 26 things to do while looking for a job:

1. Read or re-read a classic novel.
2. Join a book club.
3. Start a blog.
4. Train for a running or bike race.
5. Volunteer at an animal shelter.
6. Plant a garden from seed.
7. Coach a child's sport team.
8. Try a new cooking recipe.
9. Renew an old friendship.
10. Organize a neighborhood potluck.
11. Clean and organize a cluttered space in your house.
12. Hike a trail that you've never explored.
13. Open a dictionary and learn a new word. Use it throughout the day.
14. Host a movie night. Invite 3 friends and ask each to bring an additional guest that you don't know.
15. Read your local newspaper in its entirety (not just the job listings). Share/discuss something new you learned with a friend or neighbor.
16. Volunteer to work at a community festival.
17. Volunteer to work a water station at a running race.
18. Schedule an informational interview with someone working in a field of your interest.
19. Join and participate in a local church.
20. Donate blood to the Red Cross.
21. Research a native bird or flower. Take a walk in a local neighborhood or park and see how many times you can spot it.
22. Write a handwritten letter to a friend, thanking him or her for being part of your life.
23. Volunteer to hand out programs or usher at a local theater in exchange for seeing the show for free.
24. Learn a new language by renting an audio program from the library. Test your skills by watching a foreign film.
25. Join Toastmasters and improve your public speaking skills.
26. Download my free E-Seminar, How to Speak So Others Listen. Share a tip you learned with someone else.

Have more ideas? Feel free to add them by posting a comment. I'd love to hear your thoughts, experiences, and success stories with this approach, so do share.

When Life's Messy Take a Picture!

In honor of Mother's Day, I humbly share this essay for all the young moms out there who are trying to be "perfect." Don't bother! I wrote this eight years ago when my daughter was four.

It’s 12:30 A.M. My shirt is splattered in neon blue syrup, having dripped in a steady, sticky stream off my hair and face. I stand frozen, spoon in one hand, medicine bottle in the other, contemplating my next move. My assailant is sitting on the kitchen counter, defiantly staring back. Her four-year old hands are clamped over her mouth, her cheeks feverishly red. It was on my third attempt to coax medicine into my daughter’s mouth that she pulled the Bruce Lee move that sent it flying. She removes her hands long enough to scream, “I’m not taking any more medicine ever again!” And then it occurs to me: I should take a picture.

I had spent that afternoon working on Gabby’s scrapbook. Out of rolls of film, only a handful of pictures made the cut. She had to be smiling, clean, dressed in matching clothes, hair brushed. My husband even purchased a digital camera so we could immediately edit bad shots. Pictures of Gabby and me show us laughingly engaged in a way that will be flattering to me years from now. I am put-together, attentive, and never too tired to play. But standing there with Blueberry Blast Bubblegum cough syrup coagulating in my hair, I decide to end the charade. If I’m going to document her childhood, then I’m going to tell the truth.

As soon as my friends and family learned that I was pregnant, I received advice on the importance of keeping a scrapbook: “Start right away! Kids grow so fast, you think you’ll remember everything, but you won’t.” I looked at my own childhood albums, and I don’t recall most of the people or events. I do remember the time when I was five and refused to eat my dinner. I had to sit alone at the table for hours staring at a plateful of three-bean salad. No picture of that. No temper tantrums, fighting with my brother, or spitting up food. Instead, I’m twirling in tutus and blowing out candles. My mom is dressed in high heels, starched apron over her knit dress, presenting my homemade cake. Naturally, I modeled Gabby’s scrapbook after my own: never a bad day.

A lot of my friends belong to scrapbooking clubs. They have consultants who school them on the virtues of non-acidic paper, themes, stickers, and organization. I wonder if they have any decorative cutouts I can add to Gabby’s book that say, “Yucky face you made when I asked you to clean your room"?

Recently, a friend and I got together for coffee. She brought along some pictures of a party that I had attended. “Oh my gosh!” I said, “What a horrible picture!” There I was, eyelids half closed, mouth wide open, my lower jaw resting on a stack of chins. “You’ve got to get rid of this – it doesn’t look anything like me!” Was it my vanity speaking, or insecurity?

She leaned over to look, and laughed. “Actually, in that split second, that’s exactly how you looked.” I wonder what pictures are in her daughter’s scrapbook?

I think of all the ones I should have taken. In Gabby’s first Santa picture, she appears as jolly as he is. But it took an hour and half of hysterical screaming, three trips through the line, and me sitting on Santa’s lap with her before we got that shot. We have a framed picture of Gabby gazing up at me while hiking on a Technicolor fall day. She’s holding my hand, and in her other hand is a lollipop. It was either that, or haul the camera equipment back to the car when she had a fit over not being able to play near a cliff. No more! If we can have reality television, we can have reality scrapbooks. I’d like to think that someday, when Gabby is raising her own children, she’d thank me for my honesty. Wishful thinking, I’m sure. But maybe it’s not too much to hope that she understands, there are times when we are vulnerable.

I feel a ping on my left cheek. Gabby has flung the thermometer at me. I reach down to pick it up. And then I grab my camera.

Teach Girls How to Hit the Mark

Ask almost any girl to name her best friend and she’ll launch into a complex rating system describing her “best friend, best-best friend, best friend that she’s currently not speaking to, best friend at school, best friend on the bus, used-to-be best friend,” and so on. In other words, it’s complex!

For girls, friends are everything and we do them a great disservice by not telling them the truth about relationships. Myth-buster #1: You can't have 80 best friends! The problem is, they don't have the language to properly distinguish all the people they know, and therefore, the criteria they choose to allow someone into their inner circle. The result? Poor choices, hurt feelings, and drama.

I developed the Friendship Bull's-eye Discussion Tool to help girls grasp the issue. The discussion questions (on the back of the product) prompt girls to think critically about their relationships choices online and in person. The bull's-eye also suggest that people flow in and out of your life for various reasons, and that's not always a bad thing.

Moms, share your story with your daughters. If you're like me, you're lucky to have 1-3 people who've made it to your inner circle and remain there today. Let's take the pressure off girls to be "friends" with everyone.

Slugs

I grew up in the Pacific Northwest where the gardner's natural nemesis is the slug. As a kid, spring showers meant you had to dodge large brown blobs on the walk to school as the wetness brought them (and their trailing slime) out in droves. And, I'm embarrassed to admit that I killed my share of slugs by shaking salt on them which makes them magically melt away in front of your eyes. This is how we entertained ourselves before the invention of video games.

One of my favorite memories of my 83-year old father is when I called him one day from my home in Cleveland to chat and ask what he was doing. "Well!" he started out, "I've had quite the day so far!" This spiked my interest. What could he be up to on a rainy Seattle day?

"I've spent all morning tracking a slug trying to get across the back deck! Do you know how long and hard he has to work?"

Now before you go thinking this is a sad story - that once you hit your 80's, all you have to look forward to is watching the progression of a slug, think again. My father was dedicated to learning at least one new thing a day. Sometimes the lesson to learn was obvious, but some days he pushed himself to challenge an old perception - like the value of a slug.

What if you woke up everyday being curious? Instead of planning the whole day, what if your radar was set to answer, "What new thing am I to learn today?" You might just see slugs in a whole new way.

Additional ways to challenge your perception.

Did You Know This?

Here's part two of Counseling Myths and Facts:

Myth: If I admit I need counseling, I’ll be branded for life.

Asking for help when struggling is the smart thing to do, not a sign of personal weakness. Mental illness is treatable. Counseling helps people address their issues now so that they’re not branded for life.

Myth: The counselor will tell me I’m mentally ill and put me on medication.

Counselors are qualified to diagnose and treat mental illnesses, but not prescribe medication. In some situations, a counselor may refer a client to a psychiatrist to discuss drug treatment in addition to talk therapy. Whether or not a client takes medication is always a personal choice.

Myth: If I go once, they’ll make me keep coming back.

Counseling is completely voluntary. Clients can quit at any time. A counselor’s goal is to help a you feel better, not to keep you in counseling for life.

More tips for Building Resiliency, Recovering from Disappointment, and Managing Conflict.

Counseling Myths and Facts

When people find out I'm a therapist, a common question I receive is, "How can you stand to listening all day to people's problems? Isn't it depressing?" Quite the contrary! I spend little time talking about problems and most discussing solutions. Therefore, I really love my job because it's invigorating and inspirational to work with people at a point in their lives when they want to change for the better. Who wouldn't want to do that all day?

That's just one of the misunderstandings about counseling. In honor of Counseling Awareness Month, I'd like to bust a few more myths:

Myth: My problems aren’t big enough to need counseling.

People don’t have to be sick to want to feel better. If you're frustrated enough that a problem is having a negative effect on your life, that is reason enough for counseling. Sometimes people just need to vent. Just like physical sickness, it’s better to address things sooner rather than later.

Myth: Counselors give advice and tell you exactly what to do.

Friends give advice; counselors help people find their own solutions. That means that counselors will not tell you what to do but rather ask questions to help you discover what you can do for yourself.

Myth: Talking about my problems will only make them worse.

In order to solve something, it must be acknowledged. But counselors don’t dwell on problems. They focus on solutions. They’ll help you figure out what’s causing a situation and discover better ways to deal with it.

Brave Enough to Ask Your Kids?

Are you brave enough to ask for feedback? Most of us cringe at the thought of hearing others' opinions unless we know it will be positive. I'd guess most of us are far more fragile on the inside than we'd ever admit.

Yet as parents, we don't hesitate to give all sorts of unsolicited feedback to our children! Many times parents only speak up when kids are misbehaving. If they're acting well, parents don't really notice or they don't want to ruin a good thing.

What if the tables were turned and your kids were able to give you feedback? Even better, what if you asked for it? One of the most empowering moments I facilitate in family counseling is giving each family member a chance to offer feedback with an exercise called Stop, Start, Continue. Here's how it sounds:

"One thing I'd like you to stop is..."
"One thing I'd like you to start is..."
"One thing I'd like you to continue is..."

This frames feedback in a respectful way that's not overwhelming. When kids know they can have a voice in the family and be heard, their relationship with you flourishes.

New Perspective

The most valuable lesson I learned as a young journalist is that I don't have to know how to do everything myself, I just need to know who and what to ask. It gave me the confidence to explore novel situations knowing that the answers would be there if I ask. In fact, as soon as I'm in a place where I feel I know all the answers, I'm not really living. I'm stagnant.

Over time, I've also learned that different questions lead to different perspectives. It is the oddball inquiry that leads to the most interesting discoveries.

Do you stick with the obvious questions? Or, will you be the one to dig deeper? The question is not if the glass is half full or empty, but rather, where did the water come from in the first place and how can I get more of it?

NE Ohio clinicians: Are your clients and patients asking the right questions? Join me Saturday April 16 at Lakeshore Educational & Counseling Services for Encouraging Clients to Become Solution-Focused (3 hr CEU).

The Non-Apology

So sorry Gilbert Gottfried, I do not accept your apology regarding your insensitive jokes about Japan. That is if you really apologized in the first place. Did you?

Here's what you've been quoted as saying on Twitter: "I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan." So if I wasn't offended, you're not sorry as you didn't really do anything wrong? You're just sorry at me being offended?

Here's your follow up: "I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families." Hmm. It seems to me that the more explaining and justifying you have to provide, the less sincere the apology. This statement is all about you - what about the impact of your words on others?

Just to be clear, I'm all about forgiveness. Heaven knows, I've needed it plenty of times in my own life and will many times more. Yet, there's a lack of accountability here. A sincere apology has three important steps:

1. Own your behavior without blaming others, justifying, or explaining. Just own it.
2. Acknowledge the impact of your words and actions had on others. Make no assumptions, and no minimizing the feelings of others.
3. Commit to changing your future behavior and then do so consistently.

Try again Mr. Gottfried. Please. To save you some time, I'll list some other non-apology statements to avoid:

"Sorry you feel that way."
"If I did anything wrong, I'm sorry."
"Sorry, but I didn't mean it."
"Sorry this incident occurred."
"Sorry, I had no idea you were so sensitive."

More tips on Overcoming a Negative Impression.

Power of One

Parents are probably familiar with the terms "bully" and "target" but the role we really need to focus on is "bystander." Bystanders comprise 90% of the kids in school. They are the ones witnessing bullying taking place, but don't speak up. There are various reasons for their silence: fear, lack of skills, or their parents have coached them to mind their own business and not get involved. It's time to get involved.

Dateline NBC produced an excellent segment on bullying highlighting the power of the bystander. As soon as one kid speaks up, others gather the courage to join him or her. It's a slow turn of the tide, but eventually peer pressure can have a positive effect by inhibiting bullying behaviors.

It's imperative that bystanders learn skills to speak up. Not every kid is equipped to take on the bully, but they can reach out to the target and remove that student from a bad situation. This one act will end negative behavior faster than trying to teach empathy to a child who is bullying.

If you need help in teaching these skills, here are a few resources. First, a good counselor can coach children in assertive communication skills. If you have a daughter, I have several resources to build positive social skills including an E-Seminar, DVD, and CD.

For teachers and mental health professionals living in NE Ohio, please join me on May 11 at Lorain Community College. I'll be teaching solution-focused strategies for bullying along side the staff of Campus Impact. Our goal is to provide specific tools and exercises to address all roles in the bullying cycle.

Miracle Whip: Love It or Hate It?

I hate Miracle Whip, what about you? Kraft wants your opinion as prompted by their new ad campaign. While I detest their product, I love these ads! Purposely designed to polarize, they also clearly define the product and make it memorable. Are you brave enough to be so bold?

When you're marketing yourself, know this: no one remembers neutral. Be confident enough to stand for something. Have an opinion. You don't have to be crass or rude - but if you spend all your days trying not to offend people, we will have missed out on getting to know the real you.

P.S. If you're going to splurge, make it real mayonnaise...

Trust is an Inside Job

How do you know who to trust? If you've been hurt by others more than once, you may believe that you can't trust anyone. How can you be sure who's trustworthy? Some people trust everyone fully until they've have reason to believe otherwise.

Learning who and how to trust is an inside job. It doesn't start by evaluating others, it starts by knowing yourself well enough to trust your instincts. Your own values become the barometer of trust by which you measure other people and circumstances. If you don't trust yourself, then you continually look outward for others to define it for you. Start with defining your values. What do you stand for? What's your definition of respect? Love?

You will meet people in your life who will encourage you to override your values. They will minimize your feelings. They will present a case against everything that is true for you.

Don't trust them.

Paul Newman Eyes

Years ago, I remember watching a 60 Minutes feature on Paul Newman. Leslie Stahl was the interviewer and she began the produced package with his film clips, philanthropy work with his food products that help fund his camp for kids, Hole in the Wall. She mentioned his long marriage to Joanne Woodward and his interest in car racing.

Then the interview began. Her first question was about his strikingly blue eyes. He became noticeably agitated and cold. She asked him what was wrong, thinking I suppose, she just had given a compliment. I never forgot his response: "I had nothing to do with my eye color." He went on to explain that he does not deserve praise for something he didn't earn. Wow.

When you think about the praise we give kids or employees, it's often about things they never earned! For instance, my daughter has olive-colored skin. She often receives complimentary remarks on this, but what is the effect? She could start to believe her self-worth is tied to an external measurement - something she has no control over. This is a self-esteem killer.

Praise process, effort, and progress. Give God credit for the rest.

Learn more on raising self-esteem in girls.

The Roommate and Mental Illness

"The Roommate" opened in theaters this weekend and judging by the previews alone, I'm guessing it will cause a dramatic rise in requests for single rooms for college-bound students. But, there's a reason colleges don't offer an abundance of single rooms: there's enormous value in learning how to live with someone else, especially when things aren't going well.

Is a student likely to have a roommate who is mentally ill? Possibly, and don't let that scare you. I speak as a clinical counselor and one who spent some time in a college counseling office. I also interviewed students from across the country for my book on conflict resolution, My Roommate is Driving Me Crazy!

College campuses are a microcosm of society, representing a small sample of our population. And guess what? In the real world, a small percentage of people are experiencing mental illness, that means a percentage of the college population is too. Perhaps the most prevalent is depression. Many times depression goes untreated since it's confused with teen moodiness. The stresses of college life like romantic break ups, finances, grades, and finding a job can affect an already vulnerable person. Anxiety rises for the same reasons.

College life can reveal early signs of alcohol and drug dependency, eating disorders, and self-injury. These are all diagnosable mental illnesses and all can be treated! However, many students go undiagnosed. This is the value of having a roommate.

Educating students on the signs of mental illness is imperative. Friends and roommates are the first ones to notice when a student is not well or is acting odd. In the majority of cases when a student living on campus has acted violently, the roommate was aware something was not right, yet did not report it. Campus life should not be about "minding your own business" or "keeping to yourself." We need students - and the rest of society - to reach out and help those in need.

Don't let "The Roommate" scare you into thinking that living alone at college is the safest thing to do. Quite the opposite.

The Pitch

My book club meets tomorrow night to discuss our latest read, eat great food, socialize, and pitch ideas for our next book choice. Most of you know, I speak professionally for a living. I've been in front of some tough crowds and survived just about every speaking mishap possible. There isn't much that can throw me anymore. Still, pitching to this group of smart, opinionated, well-read women makes me nervous. It has to be spot-on or it's over with a resounding, "No..doesn't sound interesting." Decision time: about 30 seconds.

Unlike most of my book club friends, I favor non-fiction. I can't tell you the thrill I get when they choose one of my book ideas. It means that I successfully "read the room" and "sold" my idea. Often that means skipping the description on Amazon.com and designing my own. It's all about matching the message to the audience.

My book club may not sound like your idea of fun (my husband would agree with you), but we're all pitching our ideas to someone. Who's your audience? Children, bankers, sales clerk, spouse? How successful are your pitches?

Different Strokes

I've decided to participate in the Cleveland Triathlon (sprint distance) on August 7th and that means I've taken up swimming again after a 37-year hiatus. Twice a week, I head to the local pool and complete as many laps as I can before sinking. I swear the seniors doing laps with me starred in Cocoon! Their stamina puts me to shame.

It always amazes me how many muscles go unused in my body, even when I think I've been exercising them all. It's not until I do something new that I learn differently. And that's the point about constantly doing something new or challenging. The brain and body thrive on novelty. With each stroke, I imagine new synapses firing off in my brain, keeping me more alive and alert through out the day. It's the reason I'm excited for my weekly workouts, even though my arms ache and I'm in the slow lane.

A value-added benefit of learning something new is that it may cause waves for someone else. This morning, I was doing my laps and an elderly man stopped me. "Why are you here?" he asked. Confused, I told him I was exercising. "But, why are you here now?" he pressed. Soon, I understood I was in "his" lane. He wanted to know my future schedule and why it was I just showed up ...during the open swim time! I had a chance to practice my conflict resolution skills and he got the chance to learn a bit more flexibility.

Here's my challenge for you: Learn to do something new. You'll feel more energized and have something interesting to talk about when someone asks, what's new?

I Just Want to be Happy!

A lot of people come into my counseling office with the goal of being happy. What they mean is, they don't want to feel sad, angry, depressed, or any other uncomfortable emotion. But, we cannot selectively numb our feelings. If you attempt to pick and choose the ones you want to experience and ignore the rest, you're actually bringing the veil down on all of them.

We have a spectrum of emotions that blend into the next one, just like the color wheel. If you've ever purchased a customized color of paint, you'll see when it's mixed that multiple colors are combined to create the one color you want. Remove one element and you've changed the shade.

Trying to be happy all the time means you want to eliminate the lows. Sounds good, except that the only way we know and appreciate happiness is by comparing it to the times when we're not.
All feelings serve a purpose. Are you living in black and white or technicolor?

Hide-and-Seek in Narnia

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

When my husband and I were new in our careers, we moved frequently as he worked his way up the corporate ladder. To date, I've lived in eight states. While moving can be tough, we loved exploring new cities with fresh eyes. We were amazed how many cool things each location offered that life-long residents took for granted or had never experienced. We vowed to keep up our sense of adventure and remain curious, no matter where we lived.

That sense of curiosity took me to the south island of New Zealand for a two-week family hiking trip. Who would have dreamed that I would spend two hours playing hide-and-seek amongst the breathtaking scenery where The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe was filmed?
Flock Hill, where filming was done for The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe (shown below). The BEST place ever to play hide-and-seek!

Aslan's Rock

“All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.” - Martin Buber

During my journey, I struck up conversations with people from all over the world and ran into one who lived just two hours away. I tried new foods (Vegemite sandwich and Pavlova Cake-pass, Ginger Beer and Lolly Cake-big thumbs up), and experienced amazing views like this one on my way to Mt. Cook.

"Room" with a view of Mt. Cook

“Once you have traveled, the voyage never ends, but is played out over and over again in the quietest chambers. The mind can never break off from the journey.” – Pat Conroy

Gondola View of Queenstown on New Year's Day,2011.

"No journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within." ~Lillian Smith

Kiwi Bird Crossing

"Kiwis don't go around, they go through." This was tour guide Lauren's advice to me as I was contemplating my navigation of a stream. Apparently native New Zealanders (kiwis) are a bit tougher than Americans. It occurred to me how universally helpful her philosophy is in all life matters. Too often, I'm wasting time going around big issues rather than addressing them head on. I got my feet wet...and survived.

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.” – Henry Miller