Living a 3D Life

What if you went to the movies, and it was YOUR life showing on the big screen? Would it be two or three dimensional? What makes a three-dimensional picture so cool is the addition of depth. Both in movie making and life, adding depth takes a lot more time and work. It’s costlier upfront, but has the potential of a big payoff.

Movies in 3-D involve you in the experience versus allowing you to be a spectator. Ever feel like you’re removed from life, watching from a distance? Fear, pain, and guilt separate us from a deeply lived life, but they don’t have to. No more skimming the surface in 2011! Tips on adding dimension to your life are included in my upcoming January (free) E-Zine. Sign up to receive it here and check out past tips.

A Year of Firsts

If you've suffered a loss this year, holidays or special occasions can be especially emotional since they are the first ones without your loved one. The initial loss is hard, sometimes a shock. But then the year unfolds and the impact of that person's absence becomes more concrete.

After losing my Dad in April, my year started with Father's Day, then came his birthday, Thanksgiving, and now Christmas. My year of firsts won't be completed for another six months. If you have a similar experience, here are a few tips to ease the pain:

Honor the Whole Story. When you think of the person you lost, remember their whole life, not just their death. In grief, we often limit our focus to a difficult ending rather than acknowledging better times.

Start a New Tradition. Your loved one may have been central to a holiday tradition making it painful for you to carry it out. Instead, start a new tradition that honors that person's memory, but gives you a way to move forward.

Keep Talking. It's healthy to keep talking fondly about the person you miss, noting what he or she taught you, what would make him laugh, or how she would have reacted to something. They are alive in your heart and woven into your story as long as you keep them present.

Find Community. Deep periods of grief can keep you socially isolated, afraid of getting too close to anyone and getting hurt again by loss. Protecting yourself in that way actually hurts more. All of us will suffer loss. It's possible to find great comfort knowing someone else understands our pain. Reach out to friends, church community groups, or grief support groups.

Share the Lesson. While there is sadness in loss, that's not where your story is meant to end. If your loved one was meaningful to you, then there are lessons from their passing that you're meant to learn and share. The purpose of death is to remind us how to live.

For more support, here are two resources I recommend:

Building Resiliency: 68 Coping Strategies for Surviving & Thriving During Adversity

Bouncing Forward: How to Respond Positively to Life's Challenges

Save the Drama For Your Mama

Oh the drama of school girls on winter break! Parents of daughters, be prepared for the possibility of friendship blowouts over the next two weeks. Girls are desperate to stay connected and without school contact, they'll be online and texting more. No one wants to be left out of the loop. Girls who didn't secure get-togethers over the break start to feel lonely and socially isolated. I'll be on Cleveland's WKYC TV tomorrow (12/23) during Good Company (10-11 am) with advice for parents in this situation. Meanwhile, for immediate help, be sure and check out my Facebook Fan Page for a ONE DAY offer. If you have a daughter, you don't want to pass this up!

Time Management Doesn't Exist

There's no such thing as time management. No matter what you do, you still have 24 hours each day, just like everybody else. Forget claims of "squeezing one more hour" into your day. The more you focus on manipulating the clock, the more frustrated you'll become. Here's what you do have: SELF management. You have control over the choices you make within that 24 hours.

We often blame "time" for "getting away from us," when the truth is, we got away from ourselves. Use the time you do have to clarify your values, then support them with behavior. The more streamlined you become in what's important to you, the less distracted you'll become when it comes to fitting it in.

What if you organized your day based on energy management? In other words, you scheduled things that take energy, but also activities that give you energy. That decision alone can lead to improved self management!

If you want to attain this level of clarity in your life and aren't sure how to get there, personal coaching can help. Investing in your personal growth - now that's a good use of time!

Problems Don't Lead to Solutions

Imagine you were lost and asked someone for directions. What if the person replied, "I can tell you how to get there, but first, tell me everywhere you've been so far." Crazy, right? The same philosophy applies when we endlessly examine our problems looking for solutions. In most cases the problem has nothing to do with the solution! If you ask a person what's wrong and what they want to happen, you will receive two different answers.

As a counselor, if I ask a fighting couple what's wrong, believe me, they will have no trouble filling an hour with complaints! But, if I ask what they want, the answers usually include improved communication, respect, validation, and trust. What a difference!

So, are you problem or solution-focused? What do you find yourself talking about most? To move in a forward direction, ask yourself these questions:

1. What's going right?
2. What do I want more of?
3. When are the times my problem is less intense or absent? How can I create more of those moments?

Overflow

I was honored to be the keynote speaker for this year's Caregiver Advocacy luncheon in Marietta, OH. Non-paid caregivers are usually family members who are called on to provide 24/7 care for someone whose health has declined. It can be for a spouse, parent, or ill child. It is selfless work and a story close to my heart since my father was forced into that role in 1977.

In April of that year, my mother had a massive stroke leaving her in a vegetative state. I was 12, and although I helped out, my father shouldered the brunt of the responsibility. When he vowed to stay married through, "better or worse," he meant it. The experience shaped my life and provided many lessons that I was able to share with those honored yesterday.

The hardest thing to do is to convince a caregiver to take care of him or herself. Caring for others must come from our overflow, created when we invest in those things that fill us up. The mistake is dipping into our reserves until our bucket is completely empty. It's too easy for feelings of anger and resentment to seep in. One can start thinking and acting like a victim.

The only anecdote to the empty bucket syndrome is to realize that filling yours is not selfish, but necessary! Start by engaging in those activities that give you energy. Examples include attending church, doing something creative, building, exercising, reading, socializing, gardening, cooking for fun, and journaling. Learn to PLAY again. Laughter is a sure sign that you're hitting the overflow point and can start filling the bucket of others.

Thank you to my father, Dick St.John, for the many lessons shared during his 82 years, particularly the 13 spent selflessly taking care of my mother.

Give Gifts that Keep On Giving

What do you give someone who has everything? How about an investment in that person's future success? Yes, it's possible to give a very meaningful, personalized, environmentally-sensitive gift with one click of your mouse. AND as it should be with all good giving, you receive something in return too!

Here's the offer you can't pass up: Give your special someone a Personal Coaching Session. If they live outside of NE Ohio, the session can be held by phone. When you place your order, you'll receive your choice of one of my E-Seminars at no additional charge! That's a $25 value in addition to finding the perfect gift for that hard-to-shop-for person.

If YOU are the special person you're thinking of, go right ahead! Order a coaching session for yourself and you'll still receive the E-Seminar.

Have a lot of people to shop for? Don't forget my other Holiday Offer! Order 25 or more Tips Booklets (at $2.50 each) and receive your choice of a free E-Seminar!

Hurry - both offers end December 23.

Happy Holidays!