New Perspective

The most valuable lesson I learned as a young journalist is that I don't have to know how to do everything myself, I just need to know who and what to ask. It gave me the confidence to explore novel situations knowing that the answers would be there if I ask. In fact, as soon as I'm in a place where I feel I know all the answers, I'm not really living. I'm stagnant.

Over time, I've also learned that different questions lead to different perspectives. It is the oddball inquiry that leads to the most interesting discoveries.

Do you stick with the obvious questions? Or, will you be the one to dig deeper? The question is not if the glass is half full or empty, but rather, where did the water come from in the first place and how can I get more of it?

NE Ohio clinicians: Are your clients and patients asking the right questions? Join me Saturday April 16 at Lakeshore Educational & Counseling Services for Encouraging Clients to Become Solution-Focused (3 hr CEU).

The Non-Apology

So sorry Gilbert Gottfried, I do not accept your apology regarding your insensitive jokes about Japan. That is if you really apologized in the first place. Did you?

Here's what you've been quoted as saying on Twitter: "I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan." So if I wasn't offended, you're not sorry as you didn't really do anything wrong? You're just sorry at me being offended?

Here's your follow up: "I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families." Hmm. It seems to me that the more explaining and justifying you have to provide, the less sincere the apology. This statement is all about you - what about the impact of your words on others?

Just to be clear, I'm all about forgiveness. Heaven knows, I've needed it plenty of times in my own life and will many times more. Yet, there's a lack of accountability here. A sincere apology has three important steps:

1. Own your behavior without blaming others, justifying, or explaining. Just own it.
2. Acknowledge the impact of your words and actions had on others. Make no assumptions, and no minimizing the feelings of others.
3. Commit to changing your future behavior and then do so consistently.

Try again Mr. Gottfried. Please. To save you some time, I'll list some other non-apology statements to avoid:

"Sorry you feel that way."
"If I did anything wrong, I'm sorry."
"Sorry, but I didn't mean it."
"Sorry this incident occurred."
"Sorry, I had no idea you were so sensitive."

More tips on Overcoming a Negative Impression.

Power of One

Parents are probably familiar with the terms "bully" and "target" but the role we really need to focus on is "bystander." Bystanders comprise 90% of the kids in school. They are the ones witnessing bullying taking place, but don't speak up. There are various reasons for their silence: fear, lack of skills, or their parents have coached them to mind their own business and not get involved. It's time to get involved.

Dateline NBC produced an excellent segment on bullying highlighting the power of the bystander. As soon as one kid speaks up, others gather the courage to join him or her. It's a slow turn of the tide, but eventually peer pressure can have a positive effect by inhibiting bullying behaviors.

It's imperative that bystanders learn skills to speak up. Not every kid is equipped to take on the bully, but they can reach out to the target and remove that student from a bad situation. This one act will end negative behavior faster than trying to teach empathy to a child who is bullying.

If you need help in teaching these skills, here are a few resources. First, a good counselor can coach children in assertive communication skills. If you have a daughter, I have several resources to build positive social skills including an E-Seminar, DVD, and CD.

For teachers and mental health professionals living in NE Ohio, please join me on May 11 at Lorain Community College. I'll be teaching solution-focused strategies for bullying along side the staff of Campus Impact. Our goal is to provide specific tools and exercises to address all roles in the bullying cycle.

Miracle Whip: Love It or Hate It?

I hate Miracle Whip, what about you? Kraft wants your opinion as prompted by their new ad campaign. While I detest their product, I love these ads! Purposely designed to polarize, they also clearly define the product and make it memorable. Are you brave enough to be so bold?

When you're marketing yourself, know this: no one remembers neutral. Be confident enough to stand for something. Have an opinion. You don't have to be crass or rude - but if you spend all your days trying not to offend people, we will have missed out on getting to know the real you.

P.S. If you're going to splurge, make it real mayonnaise...

Trust is an Inside Job

How do you know who to trust? If you've been hurt by others more than once, you may believe that you can't trust anyone. How can you be sure who's trustworthy? Some people trust everyone fully until they've have reason to believe otherwise.

Learning who and how to trust is an inside job. It doesn't start by evaluating others, it starts by knowing yourself well enough to trust your instincts. Your own values become the barometer of trust by which you measure other people and circumstances. If you don't trust yourself, then you continually look outward for others to define it for you. Start with defining your values. What do you stand for? What's your definition of respect? Love?

You will meet people in your life who will encourage you to override your values. They will minimize your feelings. They will present a case against everything that is true for you.

Don't trust them.

Paul Newman Eyes

Years ago, I remember watching a 60 Minutes feature on Paul Newman. Leslie Stahl was the interviewer and she began the produced package with his film clips, philanthropy work with his food products that help fund his camp for kids, Hole in the Wall. She mentioned his long marriage to Joanne Woodward and his interest in car racing.

Then the interview began. Her first question was about his strikingly blue eyes. He became noticeably agitated and cold. She asked him what was wrong, thinking I suppose, she just had given a compliment. I never forgot his response: "I had nothing to do with my eye color." He went on to explain that he does not deserve praise for something he didn't earn. Wow.

When you think about the praise we give kids or employees, it's often about things they never earned! For instance, my daughter has olive-colored skin. She often receives complimentary remarks on this, but what is the effect? She could start to believe her self-worth is tied to an external measurement - something she has no control over. This is a self-esteem killer.

Praise process, effort, and progress. Give God credit for the rest.

Learn more on raising self-esteem in girls.

The Roommate and Mental Illness

"The Roommate" opened in theaters this weekend and judging by the previews alone, I'm guessing it will cause a dramatic rise in requests for single rooms for college-bound students. But, there's a reason colleges don't offer an abundance of single rooms: there's enormous value in learning how to live with someone else, especially when things aren't going well.

Is a student likely to have a roommate who is mentally ill? Possibly, and don't let that scare you. I speak as a clinical counselor and one who spent some time in a college counseling office. I also interviewed students from across the country for my book on conflict resolution, My Roommate is Driving Me Crazy!

College campuses are a microcosm of society, representing a small sample of our population. And guess what? In the real world, a small percentage of people are experiencing mental illness, that means a percentage of the college population is too. Perhaps the most prevalent is depression. Many times depression goes untreated since it's confused with teen moodiness. The stresses of college life like romantic break ups, finances, grades, and finding a job can affect an already vulnerable person. Anxiety rises for the same reasons.

College life can reveal early signs of alcohol and drug dependency, eating disorders, and self-injury. These are all diagnosable mental illnesses and all can be treated! However, many students go undiagnosed. This is the value of having a roommate.

Educating students on the signs of mental illness is imperative. Friends and roommates are the first ones to notice when a student is not well or is acting odd. In the majority of cases when a student living on campus has acted violently, the roommate was aware something was not right, yet did not report it. Campus life should not be about "minding your own business" or "keeping to yourself." We need students - and the rest of society - to reach out and help those in need.

Don't let "The Roommate" scare you into thinking that living alone at college is the safest thing to do. Quite the opposite.